Xanga Archive

5 days to Cornerstone…

First off, to everyone who commented and gave me props on the last post… thanks much.  It’s nice to like… write someting that’s on my mind and get actual feedback…  usually that doesn’t happen, but, yeah.  So you all rock hard.  As for those that didn’t prop or comment.. well…  i’m sure you probably rock too… just not quite as hard as the people that did.

So yeah… today…  i dunno.. i have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I went to the movies… the movie was decent (note: if you go to see The Bourne Identity, don’t expect anything great.)  Hung out with some friends, it was a pretty good time I’d say. 

On the other hand, I apparently made one of my friends (not of the people i was hanging out with, this was before then) pretty ticked off at me.  I can’t say I really know how.  she teased me in a way which kind of annoyed me, I got annoyed, she said she was sorry, i said ok, and we carried on.  shortly thereafter I was giving her a hard time about something and apparently it annoyed her.  I explained that I wasn’t really being serious, and said I was sorry, and the conversation didn’t carry on.  she informed me that she didn’t feel like talking anymore.  So, since I was leaving in 10 minutes anyway, I said ok, talk to you later, and, did the friendliest goodbye I could manage….  I check my e-mail, check this site….  several minutes pass, I look back into that screen and she is still on.  I ask something to the effect of “you forget to leave? :)”, to which I get a no.  So I say “oh, i thought you were leaving?”  no response….. there continued to be no response.  So in the silence I start to think it over.  Hmm, she’s still on, she definately doesn’t appear to be getting ready to leave, and she’s here and not responding to me……  it clicks.  so I say…. “oh… I see.”  At that point my mood dropped pretty well to near as bad as it can get.  So shortly after that she confirms what I figured out in my head….  “I just didn’t feel like talking”.  Obviously, the understood but left out part of this sentance makes it… “I just didn’t feel like talking (to you).”  Let me tell ya, there’s nothing quite like having a really good friend tell you that one.  It makes you feel like just slightly less then pond scum.  Honestly, it hurt.  I don’t know what I did to deserve that.  I mean, I certainly didn’t intentionally try to make her feel bad, and what I said was absolutely no worse then what she had said to me just a little before then.  I just don’t understand why her sorry was immediately good enough for me, but mine apparently wasn’t good enough for her.  I’m not mad at her or anything like that.  I am exactly what I said I was….  hurt.  I seriously try my absolute hardest, and then I do some little stupid minute thing…  like here it is… the reason why she got upset with me…..  because I was giving her a hard time about not commenting or leaving eprops on either of my last 2 posts.  Honestly, the reason I did it?  She constantly complains if I don’t give her eprops, or about how she doesn’t get enough eprops…  so I find it amusing to give her a really hard time if she doesn’t comment here.  I don’t know.  I don’t care who is right, or who is wrong.  For all I care I can be fully in the wrong on this one…  all I know is that it really hurts… and it really sucks when she’s ticked at me…. especially when it’s over some little thing like this.

I guess I did a pretty job at hiding it tho.  Nobody I went to the movies with seemed to notice.

*sighs*…

[addition to original post: have some more thoughts to add.   I felt pretty retarded in addition to the whole being hurt thing when I figured out she just didn’t want to talk to me as well.  Because, well, when I thought she was leaving, you know, I did this whole “oh, well, I probably won’t be on later because I’ll probably be out late tonight, but, you can e-mail me if you want…” thing.  Yeah, well that’s just great.  I can only imagine what was going through her mind there… probably something to the effect of “yeah, right… that’ll happen.”  So yeah, that made me feel pretty dumb.  Also more reason behind why it really totally bummed be out…  and this is something that on it’s own.. kinda bugged me… but it’s one of those things where when it happened I was just like “you’re reading too much into this…  just don’t let it bug you” and so I didn’t.  But then when something else happens I start to let it bug me too.  Anyway, this happened last night…  in that, I was talking to her….  and she says she has to leave, and she gives some reasons why she has to leave, which seemed to be perfectly good reasons, just, she hadn’t been on very long… and i wanted to talk more, so i try to convince her to stay.  Anyway, eventually, it becomes apparent that she is going to leave, so I’m just like.. ok, goodbye, goodnight.  you know?  Then she says something like “oh, *instertsomeguy’snamehere* just got on, maybe i’ll stay then”… and she stays for another hour or so.  Gee, well, I feel important.  So whereas he apparently is worth staying up and talking to, I am not.  Or well, that’s the message it sends to me.  Yeah, I’m glad I got to talk to her more… but it sure sucks when you feel like you’re serving as a side conversation.  Again, I don’t know… maybe she would have stayed anyway, even if said guy hadn’t gotten on.  But that comment that said otherwise certainly made me feel differently.

Anyway, this post isn’t directed toward her at all, nor is it really directed toward anyone else so much as it is just me venting my thoughts….. just thought I should say that…  and.. that’s about it.]