So to anyone who i talked you monday night or yesterday… everything is very much better now.

Also, for anyone who doesn’t know, Derek Webb is no longer in Caedmon’s Call, hence his extremely small role on their most recent album (they were all aware of the fact that he would be leaving soon after it). However, he has a solo project coming out on March 25th, which I just pre-ordered earlier today. Anyway, I have an mp3 of one of the songs… and I like it… so here are the lyrics.. oh yeah, and you can hear 30 second clips of all the songs, or download the mp3 that I have, by going here. Note that these lyrics aren’t official or anything… there’s one line I’m not real sure on, but everything else sounds right.

Oh yeah, and if you are in MD you may see me as early as tomorrow night. I’m still hoping it will become like 70 degrees there within the next day or so…. adjusting from my present 80 to your present 25 will not be fun ;). Oh well.

“if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding get your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for?

and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want?

cuz i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and run down the aisle
run down the aisle

i’m a prodigal with no way home
i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle
run down the aisle
to you.

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side

cuz i am so easily satisfied
and the call of a lover so less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

cuz i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and run down the aisle
run down the aisle

i’m a prodigal with no way home
i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle
run down the aisle
to you.

cuz money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly decieved his wife

so i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and run down the aisle
run down the aisle

i’m a prodigal with no way home
i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle
run down the aisle
to you.”

-“Wedding Dress,” by Derek Webb

so i was just in the bathroom and i looked in the mirror and noted something that i have noted before. it has to do with your eyes. eyes can portray so many different emotions and feelings…. and eyes don’t lie. the craziest thing about eyes, i think… is that when someone is really happy, you can see kind of a light in their eyes… and it can be kind of intense. Then when the same person is feeling really crappy…. that light is gone. and it’s really a profound difference. i don’t know, it’s just an observation. i hope the lights are burning in your eyes…

maybe i’ll try and sleep now.

sometimes…. i hate me.

“And If I could teach the world to be..
I’d teach them all to be something just like me.
Frustrated, bitter, depressing.
Perfect – As if my wings were like yours
But I’m falling down.
And if you could hold your tongue long enough..
You’d see that all I am is love, but I don’t like me.
I despise me.
Perfect – As if my wings were like yours
But I’m falling down.
Perfect – As if my wings were like yours
But I’m falling down.
It’s a disease they’ll never have a cure for.
You’re the only way to dry my eyes.
It’s a disease, they’ll never have a cure.
But I’m the on whose wrong. I’m the one who cries.
It’s a disease, they’ll never have a cure for.
It’s a disease, they’ll never have a cure.
But I’m the on whose wrong. I’m the one who cries.
I cry – I despise me.”

-“August Winterman,” by Dead Poetic

sometimes the greatest harm can result from the best intentions….

Nothing sucks quite so much as that. You intend to do a good thing, help someone out… and then, because you’re stupid and stubborn or whatever about the way you go about it…. you just make stuff worse, in fact having the exact opposite effect that you wanted to have. I had a little run-in with that situation yesterday. Believe me, it wasn’t enjoyable. It sucks to feel that you completely failed someone as a friend… more then i can imagine most anything else would. However, it’s all been sorted out now. Still will effect stuff for a bit i’m sure, as whenever you get someone ticked at you it generally does… but… yeah.

on a much different note…. i am going to be coming home for spring break on thursday. it will be good. my parents were dumb and bought me plane tickets despite the fact that i told them not to 😉 oh well. i guess i can’t really complain too much. it’s a heck of a lot faster. so yeah, thursday night I arrive in the land of coldness. I think I would rather stay here actually, but you know… i already told people i was going up there… and… there’s the whole plane ticket thing now. So I guess I don’t really have an option. Oh well. Actually it’s probably better for me to leave for a bit anyway, for reasons I won’t get into here 🙂

All for now.

on thursday night i read this at the poetry reading we had in the cafe. I originally didn’t really intend for anyone to hear it, so it has never been posted here or anything. i was told it was good, though it pretty much was all written out straight at once… and i never went back and edited anything. anyway, other reasons it was never posted here… i didn’t write it on the computer, so it’s not a simple matter of copying and pasting… and also the person whom it is written about, who is a very speciffic person indeed, could very easily read it. For some reason that makes me really uncomfortable… though there is nothing bad said about them in this. oh well. Anyway, here it is:

No title.

“It returned here today
I thought it was gone forever
Past experiences so long away
I’d no hope that they’d return ever.
Bleeding heart and beaten mind
Can no more bear this awful truth
Yet i miss it so and cannot find
A means to cause my wounds to soothe.
What brought you back I can’t say
Months have passed without you near
And yet it seems that perhaps you never were away
A part of my spirit you were made
Bonded together for all of time
Though it seems that this must fade
I am altered for all of time.
I miss you, old friend.”


I also read The Hero, but it has already been previously posted here, so I won’t do so again. If you desire to read it, click here.

That is all for now.

Love.

Its the title of the new Juliana Theory album, which I just so happen to be listening to presently. It is also the, at least, supposed, reason behind the recently passed holiday, on which I originally intended to make this post. This will probably not be what you are expecting. But then, I guess it might be. It depends on if you think like me or not… God help you if you do ;).

This is just something that I have been thinking of a lot recently. In light of stuff that has happened in the last year or more recently… It is something that doesn’t really always make a whole lot of sense.

Love is a strange thing, because there are so many different levels of it. For that reason, I think it would be nice if we had many different words for it, as there is in Greek and so forth. However, there is something that I like about them all being united in one word. Because ultimately they are all the same thing. The love you have for an acquaintance of yours comes from the same source as the love for your friend, or your brother or sister, or your best friend, or your girlfriend, or whatever. The difference is the extent and depth of that love, and the ultimate closeness that develops there. This, however, makes love a very tricky thing, because when I say love, you almost indefinately immediately think of love of the depth and closeness as that of a couple. Often times, we don’t even think of what we have for our friends as love. So why is it tricky? I’ll tell you.

I recently asked a good friend of mine what she thought the difference was between a person that she would become good friends with, but no more, and a person that she would date. If you don’t understand the question, I’m sorry. When I read it it doesn’t look like it makes a lot of sense, though I understand it.. but.. yeah. Umm.. anyway… basically, why become interested in one friend, and not another?

She came up with the only same reasons as I can come up with, though we both feel it is not a very solid answer, and there must be more to it. The basic reason was simply an attrativeness of that person. Not necessarily of the physical aspect. And then in the reverse you can eliminate people based on an unnattractiveness. So you have people that you like because of a good quality, or people you don’t because of a bad quality.

Now here is another thing which I don’t understand. People tend to eliminate their closest friends as potentials (for lack of a better term) for no reason other then because they are very close friends. Now, back to what I said earlier…. love comes from the same source regardless of depth. It is the same essence. Do you see what the problem here is? Those people which are most eligible are eliminated by mutual understanding.

If the natural scale of love goes from acquaintance to friend to lover, then it is only natural that it should progress in that fashion. And that includes not skipping any steps. One should become a close friend of a person before one dates them. It is unnatural to go from being casual friends to a romantic relationship.

The problem comes in because this is not the actual expectation of most people. Oh yeah, and I guess people may see it as a pretty big risk. Which may be true, but it’s probably not as big a risk as one might think. Sure, you may be disappointed… but the friendship will continue regardless.

I don’t know. It’s something I’ve been thinking about. And now it’s something for you to think about.

Oh yeah, and I did that thing I said I was going to do in the last post 😛 I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not yet.

“How are you feeling?
What are your reasons?
Do you feel love or a lack there of?
Love is a bond without reason
A cry for connection
A light in your eyes
Love is a reason for living, a reason for trying, a reason for life
Forget the feeling
Get all your of reasons
Life is love or the lack there of
Love is a bond without reason
A cry for connection
A light in your eyes
Love is a reason for living, a reason for trying, a reason to cry
Love is a bond without reason
A cry for connection
A light in your eye
Love is a reason for living, a reason for dieing,
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
How are you feeling?
Love is everything
What are your reasons?
Love is everything
How are you feeling?
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
Love is everything
Ohh love, you move me
Ohh love, you move me
Love, move in me, move me
Love means everything.”

-“Everything,” by The Juliana Theory

So I’m having second thoughts about something I decided I want to do…. but I think I am going to go ahead and do it anyway. I’ll probably be depressed after it is over…. but… oh well.

Anyway, I decided it was time for a new picture… this time it’s not so dark…so that’s good. Maybe.

Yesterday I paid $8 for a meal at McDonalds. No, I did not order an obscene amount of food. They charged me $8 for a number 4. That’s Disney for ya. The jerks.

Oh yeah, and I never made the second post yesterday because no one commented on the first post…. well, one person did pretty late into the day… but.. yeah. So I had no inspiration to write again.

Now then… I must be leaving… lunch time approaches.

Well here it is. Valentines Day. The most depressing day of the year. No, not really. I’m not depressed. Girls are stupid anyway. And yet there is still that feeling of lacking something, which Valentines Day for some reason feels the need to point out.

I WAS going to sleep through today entirely. 24 hours of sleep and not having to experience a valentines day this year? that would have been great. unfortunately, my body had other plans. It would not allow me to sleep anymore at about 8. But I was pleasently suprised when I saw something sitting on my desk when I came out of my bedroom (ok, ok… it’s not a bedroom… it’s a closet… but.. still… I’m not going to say I came out of the closet ;))… Anyway, a very cool friend of mine brought me Reese’s Peanut butter cups… and a card thing. I have no idea how they got into this room between when I went to sleep and when I woke up at 8, but ummm… apparently she found some way. Anyway, point of this being, I just want to share the 2 quotes that are on the card. It is related to something that we had talked about yesterday, so I that made it cooler for me cuz it’s something I’ve been thinking about… but anyway, here you go:

quote #1: “Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and hapiness of one another.”
-Eustace Budgell, English Writer

quote #2: “…the responsibilities of friendship?… To talk. And to listen.”
-Rosie Thomas, English writer


The one most important thing I think about a good and healthy friendship, or really relationship of any kind, is that it is 2-sided, not one-sided. If either invidual is self-seeking in it, then that will mess the whole thing up.

Check back later today, and if I have had time I will either have a new post, or have updated this post. I am going to post something…. love-related, I guess. It will probably be pretty short, but it might be worth reading 😉

Later.
And to quote the e-card heather sent me…. Have a “Happy unimaginative , consumerist-oriented and entirely arbitrary, manipulative, and shallow interpretation of romance day!”

So tomorrow is Valentines Day……

that sucks.

oh well.

All right, so I guess maybe people are wondering how my birthday went, since I haven’t posted since the day before it. The actual day of my birthday was slightly better then an average day :)… it was nothing amazing, but it was kind of cool. Basically the things of interest that occurred…. I got my cell phone in the mail that morning. That night, I went with Karissa and Jill and Clay to the church we’ve been attending to see a dramatist. It was pretty cool. Then afterwards I was hungry, so Karissa and I went to find someplace to eat… and Zack also came and met us there. It was enjoyable.

Saturday was the day of the thing which Karissa planned and kept secret from me for like a week. It ended up being a paint balloon fight. It was very cool, but rather cold for it… it was like mid-50’s…. and cloudy… and paint/water made it just that much colder :). But it was definately a good time. Then we rode back to school in the back of a truck. It was quite packed… but that was actually probably good seeing as it was cold and we were wet and we were in the bed of a truck. Oh, and we were under a sleeping bag 😉 I’m sure it was interesting to see for all the cars around us. But yeah… we all found it enjoyable. Then when we got back here at school, we went into the laundry room to eat cupcakes and stuff. Naturally, the group of people there being the people they are, it was not long until cupcakes were smashed into people’s faces. Also a fun time.

So that is all of the Karissa-planned birthday 😉 So naturally because it was very coolll…. even though I highly doubt she reads this since she is here… a huge thanks to her for making it a very cool day. And thanks also to Karen and Jill for their contributions… and to everyone else who came.

After that, we went to the Further Seems Forever concert at the State Theater in St. Petersburg. Now… the name of this venue completely throws you off from what it is actually like. Yes, at one time, is was a theater. However, it is now somewhat rundown, and there are no seats or anything in it. It is a very cool venue for a concert though, so it was somewhat of a pleasant surprise, to me at least ;). Let’s see… opening bands… first band was Salem. They were all right. Had a couple songs I kind of liked. Second band was… The Early November. I really didn’t like them that much, although most everyone else in our group seemed to like them better then Salem. Then a group called Elliott played. They were good, I definately liked them. Only one thing kind of annoyed me… that being the fact that their guitarist for some reason felt that it was necessary for him to smoke during the show… which was just kind of annoying to me. And then of course Further Seems Forever…. who were stinking awesome.

So naturally Saturday was a very cool day.

Yesterday was also really fun. After church and everything we (we being Jon, Karissa, and I) went to downtown disney and walked around and did stuff… and ate… and then went to a movie. We saw The Recruit, and it was very cool. I definately reccomend it.

Anyway, it was definately a good weekend. The best of this semester so far to say the least ;). Anyway, I’ll leave you with that for now. This post is quite long enough.