Another day, another post….

So this has been a pretty interesting week.  Not really in a good way, but… I dunno… most of it hasn’t been in a bad way either.  Kind of a little of both, I guess.

However, it did all start BECAUSE of a really bad thing.  But I think a lot of good has come from it, in my life, personally.  I am still far from happy about the fact that it happened, and wish it hadn’t, and I’m still hoping that it will get resolved…  but I am at this point changed because of it, and I believe that the change is for the better.  I would like to once again thank everyone who I talked to concerning the matter….  while I don’t think any of you really read this too often….  you made the change possible, because I never would have figured a lot of this out without your insight….  and while a lot of it still doesn’t make sense to me.. i guess that’s ok.

The thing that has made me the most comfortable about this situation… and the reason I am not like…  as bummed out and stuff as I think people would normally expect… is because I have really seen the hand of God at work this week…. which is really what has made it so interesting.  It has been a bit of a while since I have really seen God move in my life… and I think maybe this whole thing had a lot to do with Him getting my attention.  That doesn’t make it any easier, but I believe that God can heal that which has been broken…  and I also know that I will not fall into the same place I was beforehand if this were to work out.

“I guess the cup is only useful / for the hollow of it’s shape / the brokenness in me is the need that holds Your grace”

So the only problem is from here I don’t yet know where to go.  I have kind of a complete lack of patience….  and having to wait for someone else to make a move can be pretty hard for me.  and there’s also always the potential that I could have to decide based on this moment…  there is no guarentee that another move will be made.  Not that I really get that much of a choice at that point… but there is a bit of one to make.

Through much prayer, I am stronger today then I was yesterday….

“You slipped from my arms, I knew you had to go.
Such a heavy heart, who could hope to hold?
And I know where you’re going, and that’s the hardest part.
No matter where tonight ends, you won’t escape your broken heart.

Stay a while.

Helpless for the words, and it tightens up the air.
It’s not what you deserve, it’s not for lack of care.
Inside of me is screaming out, I’m praying for my prayers.
Distracting and unworthy of each and every burning tear.
Seems insincere.

Do I see God in all of this? Maybe all along.
It’s just that we’re so small, and simply not as strong.
Strong like wings of silver, and feathers made of gold.
To carry heavy hearts, to cover all our helpless souls.

To cover all of us.

Under wings of Gold and Silver, sometimes we have to hide.
For shelter from this bitter winter, at least tonight.

(If it were mine to give I’d give you your own time
Turn it back or forward whatever you decide)

Stay a while.”

-“Gold and Silver,” by Stavesacre

Onto new topics… but first, more people to add to the “you rock” list ;)….

First off, thanks to Karissa Arnold for talking to me all the way from Germany 😉  Was a grand conversation and it was great to talk to you after such a long time of… not talking to you.  Thanks for the insights, and yes, it helped.  And also thanks to Elliot for the posts here on Xanga.  I’m sure I’ll talk to you about it eventually. 😉

Anyway, nobody worry about me being tooo terribly down if you are.  I am certainly capable right now of enjoying myself, going out, and having fun, and stuff like that.  Yeah, there is definately hurt there… and a lot of it… and I will be all right, whatever the outcome…. it is just a matter of whether or not I end up minus a friend, which would certainly not make me happy.

That being said, allow us to move on to another topic.  School starts today.  In fact, the first chapel of the year is in 30 minutes.  It should be good.  I woke up at 8 a.m. today for no apparent reason… it is really weird… I haven’t been able to sleep in recently.  Oh well, otherwise I would have woken up at 8:30 anyway… can’t very well skip the first day 🙂  Actually, really and truly, I want to go.  And after that I get a bit of a break before I have to go to my first 2 classes….  Western Civ at 12 and College Algebra at 1. Both very exciting classes 😉  Actually history is pretty interesting…  and Algebra is pretty easy… I don’t even know why they’re making me take it.  I would take a harder math class if they would just let me ;).  And they’re consecutive… so I can do it and have the whole day over with.  That was what I hated about last year… a class, hour break, another class, hour break, another class, hour break, etc, etc….  took forever to actually be done with classes 😉

[edit: oh!  i almost forgot about Jon.. he is also added to the list of people who rock ;)]

“Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new.

So this is the way that I say I need You.
This is the way that I’m
Learning to breathe,
I’m learning to crawl.
I’m finding that You and You alone can break my fall.
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies.

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in.
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that.
Never knew that I could hurt this bad.

So this is the way that I say I need You.
This is the way that I say I love You.
This is the way that I say I’m Yours.
This is the way, this is the way that I’m

Learning to breathe,
I’m learning to crawl.
I’m finding that You and You alone can break my fall.
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies.”

-“Learning to Breathe,” by Switchfoot

So if you want to know what my last 2 posts were about, send me an e-mail.  I’m not going to mention anything really here… except that I reacted rather rashly to this situation at first, but as time goes on I am dealing better and better….  and according to Karen at least, I am doing very well…. so that kind of makes me feel better….. (btw, Karen Dondzila is also quite awesome, and if she is reading this… then thanks to her 😉  she rocks.)  Please, if you know what this is about or think that you know what this is about, if you want to try to help, do NOTHING but come and talk to me.  You can send me an e-mail, if you know my number you can call me….  but… don’t do anything on my behalf.  To those who have not received my school number yet but had the number last year…. the area code and first 3 digits are the same, the last 4 digits are 5377.

Godspeed.

“So this is odd
The painful realization that all has gone wrong
And nobody cares at all.
And nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover’s clothes
And burned the letters lover wrote
But it doesn’t make it any better
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange
This sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all.
Where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep
And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking’s just too much to ask
And you’re measuring your minutes
By a clock that’s blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable.
Yes this is love for the first time.
Well you’d like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren’t we all once
Before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.”

-“The Brilliant Dance,” by Dashboard Confessional

I once thought that I was the problem….

          ….i was decieved.

“That wound will never fully heal. He will carry it the rest of his life.”

-Gandalf the Grey

I would just like to say that Lisa Dondzila is the coolest person ever…. so ummm… yeah.

Thank god for good friends….

Lisa, if you happen to see this… thanks much… you rock 😉

Hey!  I am at school now… so far everything here is looking pretty great.  Am in an on campus apartment this year… and it is more then I had hoped for.  We still have boxes and crap in our room, yet there is still PLENTY of space.  Tons of storage space too, we’ve been trying to figure out how we could possibly use it all… as opposed to last year when we were trying to figure out how we could possibly get half our stuff to fit somewhere ;).

So anyway, I’ve been pretty neglectful of commenting on other people’s sites… but I got around to a few of you…  and stayed on top of one or 2 ppl’s…  but I’ll start that up again now that I’m at school.  So you will all hear from me soon.

Godspeed.

Well, this week kind of went by fast. At least, it’s really weird to think that I’m leaving the beach and heading to school tomorrow morning. I just figured I’d let you guys know what was going on. Don’t expect any posts tomorrow… but I should have a new one up sometime on sunday.

Godspeed.

“(Your tradition)
I’m getting so sick of creating this music to please you
The way it used to be is the very thing that blinds you.

That’s why you can’t see my God move
‘Cause this is not then, and I’m not like you.

(Damnation)
Your excuse for good advice. Their mouths are wide, but you feed them lies
(Reputation)
You’re full of indecency. You are exactly the portrait they painted you to be.

Stereo Child

That’s why you can’t see my God move
‘Cause this is not then, and I’m not like you.

You refuse to speak, and they’ll listen.

But I won’t be predicted.
I won’t be your stereo.
I won’t be predicted, never.”

-“StereoChild,” by Dead Poetic

all right 😉 So I’m still at the beach… I figured I’d write a little bit though. I finally started my other weblog the other day… it even got commented on, surprisingly enough 😉 hopefully no one will find it… if you do, and somehow figure out it is me.. tho I don’t know how you would… please don’t tell me. At least then I can *THINK* no one I know is reading it. and that’s just as good.

Anyway, I was walking along the beach the other day…. like up to this place where there’s a big channel… well, it’s actually pretty small, but… you get the idea… it would be a pretty good swim across… and then there’s this island over there… and.. it was low tide…and i saw that there was a sandbar a little ways out …. so I decided to go over to it…. walked about half the way… swam the rest… only a small portion which I couldn’t touch the ground at… anyway, once I got onto the sandbar it was pretty cool… water all around… and like more breaking waves and stuff on the one side facing out into the ocean… it was really cool… nobody else was on it so it was sort of like my own private beach… heh 😉 So after standing around there for awhile I decided I wanted to go over to the aforementioned island… despite all the signs that said “warning… dangerous currents… no lifeguard on duty”… I figured, hey, I can see other people on the island, so why shouldn’t i be able to get there? 😉 plus there were ppl on boats and stuff around there too… I figured (hoped ;)) that should I begin to drown that someone would try and help me 😉 But anyway… as it turned out… the water never really got deep there…. the sandbar sort of continued about 2 feet underwater all the way over to the island. So yeah… when I got there, I just sort of walked around… was tons of birds and stuff everywhere…really cool. Also, I found some shells that were quite nice… one huge one… that was unfortunately slightly broken… I had really wanted it as well. I kept it anyway, but it’s kind of disappointing that it is broken. So with all this, I decided I had best return… as it was like… the lowest point of low tide when I went out there… and if high tide came in whilst I was out there, those dangerous currents would surely make my trip back more difficult 🙂 And… shortly after reentering the water, I almost stepped on a stingray. I was very happy when I noticed it and stopped putting my foot down and it swam away. I saw him again later (or possibly another one, I don’t know) shortly before I left the water. It was an exciting time. Probably the most fun I have had by myself while at the beach. I plan on going back once more before I leave, if at all possible… have to time it right with the tides 😉 But yeah… it’s really awesome to see stuff like that… but then… I just love being at the beach in general… looking out into the ocean and all… it’s incredible to see…. great for those contemplative states of mind… which I am almost always in…. 😉

“Yo toda via espero un milagro,
Yo toda via te espero a ti.
The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,

hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.

chorus
I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
Dear God be my savior,
I wait for you.

My broken spirit,
is trembling slow.
Park bench for a throne now,
my blanket is the snow.
And I’m being haunted,
by long forgotten dreams,
for hurricanes have,
the bluest eyes I’ve ever seen.

I am pining for your mercy,
for this storm to break,
Lord you are my comfort,
the hope for which I wait.”

-“Hurricanes,” by Five Iron Frenzy

So I’m at the beach now.  That means I probably won’t make many updates to this this week, as I’ll be doing other stuff…. but it’s possible I may feel exceptionally inspired and want to write something, so you never know.

Anyway, to anyone back home who is reading this… and who thought they were going to see me again before I left… ummm… sorry.  I didn’t really say bye to anybody… wasn’t really intentional, it just sort of happened that way.  And I am in fact bummed that I had to miss the Zao show.  Hope you guys went and had a cool time, tho.  And anyway, since I didn’t say bye there… umm.. bye 🙂  I’ll catch ya around fall break, hopefully.

The beach so far has been pretty cool… if slightly boring.  Hence the reason why I wish I could have found a friend to have come along….  would have someone more interested in doing stuff I enjoy doing ;).

Anyway, here’s another song…  which… like the last song…  I enjoy a lot… (as a side note… the songs I enjoy a lot are ones i can identify with..)

“I tried again I fell again to find out for myself
It hurts for a life time
Your picture rests there for a lifetime
And for a lifetime I will dream of you
I prepare a mantle inside of my heart
With your photograph to soothe the scars
Unable to be erased unable to be forgotten
As I grow older I will dream.”

-“The Dreams That Don’t Come True,” by Zao

Spent the majority of the day playing guitar, oddly enough. It’s crazy, I’ve been having like real “on” days for guitar recently. Like today… if I didn’t know better… I would have almost thought that I actually could play. We’ll see if it lasts.

I leave for the beach on saturday, and then after spending a week there it’s back to school. Joy. Actually I am pretty happy about going back to good ‘ol Lakeland. Will be nice to see ppl down there again, though of course I will miss the people up here. Seems like the summer went by really fast.

Anyway, also over the last couple of days I have been conflicted about some stuff involving a friend I haven’t seen in awhile. Not sure why it suddenly came up in my mind, but for some reason it did.

Anyway, it is getting close to being time to go… need to go hang out with people, as tonight and tomorrow are my last chances to before leaving for school.

Godspeed.

(oh yeah.. and… another Switchfoot song…. this happens to be one of my favorites..)

“Everything I know
Tells me she’s everything that I could hope for.
Everything I know
Tells me I can’t let her walk away.

I took my time to find the words.
I hoped she’d feel the same.

‘Cause I want someone to share my smile
To share the pain
To be there when the sea turns gray
To share the joy
For better or worse

And I thought that it might have been her.

I wonder if she knows
The way I saw her soul light up my life
I wonder if she knows
Of the pain I feel tonight

I took my time to find the words.
I hoped she’d feel the same.

‘Cause I want someone to share my smile
To share the pain
To be there when the sea turns gray
To share the joy
For better or worse

And I thought that it might have been her.”

-“Might Have Ben Hur,” by Switchfoot