Xanga Archive

All right, just as I did with the Brave Saint Saturn cd, I will now do with Five Iron Frenzy: Cheeses of Nazareth. Here is a track by track review of the album….

1. Kamikaze. – I skipped this song, not because I don’t like it, but because I have already heard it many, many times, as I purchased the Far, Far Away single that it was originally released on. It’s cool though.

“There comes a time for throwing caution to the wind / And so my life begins, I’m going in…”

2. Rhubarb Pie – The ORIGINAL version of Ugly Day. This one is better because it’s not about a girl. It’s about a pie. Pies are better then girls. Girls are stupid. Plus Dennis sings this one, and Dennis is a cool guy.

“Twinkies may be better / Then a hole in the sweater / and a hole in the sweater / beats a poke in the eye…”

3. Marty – Another song that I have already heard many times, because it was on the Brad is Dead vinyl. It is also an awesome song. So awesome, I didn’t even skip it. I don’t think they ever should have cut it from Our Newest…

“You’d do almost anything / Someone told you not to do / Just because someone else / Told you it was cool / Remember long ago / Someone said to get a life / Did you ever think they might be right?”

4. Fistful of Sand (live) – This is a really crappy live recording of Fistful of Sand before the lyrics were finished. It features Reese singing “Feels like nothing, kills like something” a lot. And mumbling a lot… something that sounds like “ling-baling-baling-baling”…. It is stupid, and a perfect example of why Roper’s description of this album as “a smorgasboard of lameness” is completely accurate.

“Feels like nothing, kills like something / ling-baling-baling-baling…”

5. Four Kids in Memphis – This song is I Still Like Larry with different lyrics. It is about Four Kids in Memphis. And a hot dog.

“Four kids in Memphis should pay me 5 dollars / I wrote this song and they said they would pay me / And I want to buy a hot dog.”

6. Mind For Treason – This is an awesome song. It is a song they originally recorded a very long time ago and never released. they re-recorded it. Andy does the vocals. He is awesome. They should kick Reese out of the band and let Andy do all the vocals. I want more hardcore five iron.

“You tell me my God is dead / you hate a book you’ve never read / Telling me I’m pushing you / Who’s world is this? / Who pushes who?”


7. Cool Enough For you – This is a crappy version of the same song that was on Upbeats… They forgot to include a verse. And it is played at a slower pace…

“that smug look on your face / your nose up in the air / the patches on your coat / and still you couldn’t bear…”


8. Third World Think Tank – This is also a crappy version of the same song on upbeats. It is also slower. Instead of forgetting lyrics in this one, there is an additional line. It is a good line. They should have kept it in the upbeats one…

“Now you’ve got your just reward / All the junk your arms could hoarde”

9. Old West – Again, crappy version of Upbeats song. Again, slower. It has a cool sounding part near the end though that is different from Upbeats.

“If people don’t believe me / I’ll just beat them / And yell louder.”

10. Burn – This is a cool song. I had heard it before, in mp3 form.. It was very hard to listen to because it was such a bad recording. Their remixing of it helped it out a lot… while lyrics could be improved, and some other stuff could be improved… it is the basis of a good song, and therefore I like it… even if Reese says it “suffers from suction.”

“Burn. Burn. Burn. / Within us, Within us. / Spirit of truth, my eyes decieve me / Teach me how to see / Ears cannot hear, my mouth is too dry to speak. / You have searched me, you, you know me, / There is nothing good inside me / Purge me make me clean / My heart needs courage, so burn inside of me.”


11. Left – Bad production quality, like Burn… some awkward sounding lyrics… but a very cool sounding song. And mostly good lyrics. I like. Old five iron is good… 🙂

“P.C.P. spells gun to the head / half a syringe or a barrel full of lead / grasping at straws and coming up empty / carving with his life this somber song of hope: / “kill me.””


12. Never Ask Us To Play This – Apparently if you ask them to play this Reese will kill you dead.

“If you could ever find it in your heart / If you could ever think to find some sympathy / Never ask us to play this song / Or a song about our pants, or a kittie-doggie / Never ask us to play Godzilla or Shut Up / Or a song we haven’t written yet about that time we did some stuff.”


13. Dog Food – This is a song about Dog Food. It is wonderful and good. mmmmm… Alpo. Dog food is also better then girls.

“Dog Food! / A whole meal for a nickel / Dog food! / On some bread with a pickel…”


14. When I See Her Face – This is a song about how much girls suck. Heh… maybe not really. It is a very random song. Therefore, I like it..

“I feel pretty good today / This time I can feel it / This time when I see her face/ The words will come out right / I comb my hair and put on my favorite shirt / I take one last deep breath, then I go outside…”


15. Abraham Lincoln Beard (1st movement) – I just don’t understand…. It amuses me though 😉

“Wilford Brimley Sandwhich / Snowmobile of Franklin / Ninja Force 5000 / Abraham Lincoln Beard.”


16. Praise the Lord – Almost as good as the Daniellson Familie. Micah and/or Sonnie totally sound like a girl(s).

“Praise the Lord / Everybody Praise / Ahhhh.. / People of earth, praise the Lord.”


17. Give Me Back My Sandwhich – This song is about sandwhiches and the people who steal them and why they steal them and how it isn’t nice to steal peoples sandwhiches.

“Give me back my sandwhich.”


18. Omnivores For Mediocrity – I think this song is awesome because it is about vegatarianism and veganism. I make fun of vegans because they kill defenseless plants and eat them. Jerks.

“Keith is a vegatarian / Not vegan ’cause he drinks his dairy and / He’s not like me who also eats meat / He protests the war with the sandals on his feet / Omnivore for mediocrity! / Helpless vegatables are trapped / for killing only them you should be slapped / At least a cow can run and be free / Omnivores for mediocrity!”

19. That Tastes Horrible – This song is only funny because Andy screams “AHHHH! my face!” Andy is the awesomest.

“That tastes horrible! (Ahhh, my face!)”


20. No Grandma = Know Grandma – I swear they don’t say anything that sounds remotely like what they claim the lyrics are.

“No Grandma! Know Grandma! Gnome Grandma, ahhhhhhhhhh!”


21. Stinky Hippy – This song is great because it is about a stinky hippy. I thought it was funny, anyway.

“Get patchouli / Get the dreadlock / Get the sandal / Stinky hippy today / Stinky hippy, stinky hippy / Perspiration.”


22. Abraham Lincoln Beard (2nd movement) – I still don’t get it.

“Salivating often / Digesting all the oatmeal / Falling off of a log / Abraham Lincoln Beard”


23. It’s so hot, I’m gonna have a heat stroke – I like this song just because it sounds cool. It’s about being hot and having heat strokes.

“Za pie da ta peepeetepatee / shampoo in my head! / It’s so hot I’m gonna have a heat strokahhh!”

24. Thea and the Singing Telegram – They call Thea and sing some odd things… I don’t remember what any of them are… so… yeah.


25. How’s About Some Milk – How’s about some milk? I thihnk this is an anti-vegan song.

“How’s about some milk?
How’s about some milk?
How’s about some dairy products today?”

26. Donkey Basketball – You can imagine…

“Donkey basketball! It is the best of all!”


27. Screams in the Night – For some reason, this song reminds me of Sqaud 5-0. I don’t know why.

“Screams in the night, screams in the night, screams in the night / come on and scream out into the night / I saw you in your backyard / You were watering the dirt / You began to scream and shout / And shake the entire earth / So I came over to help you / But alas, you were gone / I felt so sad inside / That I wrote this awesome song.”


28. Pootermobile – I’m told this is self-explanatory, but I don’t know how.

“Pootermobile”


29. Abraham Lincoln Beard (3rd movement) – This continues to make no sense to me.

“Waffle of the ancients / Way too much of bobby / Laying in the gutter / Abraham Lincoln beard.”


30. Mayonaise Taco Monday – A mexican sounding song about mayonaise on tacos. mmmm…

“Mayonaise Taco monday, it smells like underwear / Mayonaise taco… and something over there! / Mayonaise taco monday / I put it on the dog / Mayonnaise Taco monday / It tastes kind of like log.”


31. Chew Water – This is a true story about howReese drank out of his cousin Cletus’ spittoon and got cancer of the esophogus and died. It is sad.

“My trouble is worse then my face being eaten off by boils / It’s so bad I can’t even start to tell you / my troubles / it’s not about a dog / or women / nothin'”

32. Metal rules – This is a song about how much metal rules.

“Deeply poetic lyrics about metal, ruling, and the ruling of said metal.”


33. Five Iron is Stupid – They should have written this song a long time ago and stopped making albums like they’re about to now.

“Five Iron is stupid, and you are if you like them also.”


34. Hidden Track – They scream rock and roll and other random stuff a lot. it’s pretty amazing.


So all in all, this is the worst cd ever. But it is entertaining. Bye.