Well, I made it through my classes.  I was seriously about to fall asleep in the last one….  i caught myself in a daze a couple times.  Oh well.  Now that I’m out and moving around a bit it’s all good.

I downloaded the song Spy Hunter by Project 86 earlier today.  It is awesome.  I had heard it before live.. but.. yeah.  I am really psyched for their new cd now.  Can’t wait 🙂

Anyway, I am going to go in search of this music store which Zack claims exists.  If it is not there, I will cry.  Really.  Anyway, I am going to go do that now.

“We don’t need anymore truthless heroes…”

Geez… I am so weird in the head right now… lol…  I hope it never goes away.  I made it through the low point of my circadian rhythm… I’m sure the next one will come at about 8 when I am in English ;).  Anyway…  I wrote something else…. Geez….  I think all this stuff is going to overwhelm some of you when you read this after you wake up… who would expect so much stuff to come up overnight? 😉  By the way, make sure to click “next” and read the stuff on the next page 🙂  there is more there… haha 😉

Here it is:

Gone.
Fond memories
A beautiful outline.
Pictures and stories
Of times long past
All that remain.

Now.
Memories in the making.
Beauty before unseen
Chances now arise
Taken, or not
The determination of tomorrow.

Soon.
Times yet to come.
Held in haze,
A vision of the past returns
Riddles yet unsolved?
What remains?

We miss the past, we neglect the present, we fear the future.
When past returns we hold it tight.
     When present fades we mourn it’s loss.
          When future comes we find something familiar of the past.

If necessary, repeat.

Hold on to life.

Sometimes I guess I just don’t know when to quit.  Here is is, 3 a.m., and I write another entry.  The time of the low point of my Circadian Rhythym has come.  It is now that I suffer for my choice to stay awake.  There is still time that I can go to sleep if I so choose, but I don’t know that I want to do that.

If you are just joining us now, I reccomend skipping down and reading these posts in reverse order, I think they will make a lot more sense that way…. just a humble suggestion… you can feel free to do it the other way too, but don’t blame me if it doesn’t work well…. I told you in advance.

So to continue my thoughts from where I left you last….what about conflicting goals?  I am going to be vague on this, because… well, I have my reasons :).  Anyway, A situation could possibly present itself down here next year that could be very confusing for me.  Because I would have to choose one way or the other…. between 2 different possibilities… but both possibilities would be extremely attractive to me… to be honest, I wouldn’t know which way to go.

Sometimes I just wish that God would tell me what to do.  Like, in actuality, I’m glad that most of the time He doesn’t… cuz you know.. that way I get to do what I want ;)…. but when it comes to something like this…  I wish He would.  Then I could just do it.. and I wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.  Oh well, I guess you can’t have it both ways.

I have also narrowed down what my major/minor will be if I decide to stay here at Southeastern (kind of).  I either will Major in Communications and Minor in Ministry, or the reverse.  Probably the reverse.  Why?  Because I am going to go to Full Sail when I am done here, and get more then enough training in that area…. and you know.. then I’ll have a Major in another area… so that I could do something else entirely different.  But you know… I could change my mind again too.  I do that a lot.  Cause you know.. in thinking about it, music might not be a bad thing to major in either… provided i get good… lol.

Ahhh…  the confusion that is life :)…  At least most of the time it’s pretty entertaining….  otherwise it just wouldn’t be worth it 😉

So I updated the picture over there.  I was playing with my camera and I thought that looked kind of cool.

I am in a really weird mental state right now….  last time I was like this…. Mexico City, last summer.   Then it was because of the awe I was in because of the stuff I had seen.  What God did there, in my presence.  I am not sure what is the cause of it tonight, other then contemplation.  It is an incredible feeling though…. I don’t want to go to sleep because I know I won’t have it anymore once I wake up.

It’s funny how you have certain memories… like some things get forgotten quickly…. other things you remember forever.  Sometimes it makes sense why you do, other times it doesn’t.  Like I remember this one speciffic time when I stayed home from school sick, when I was in like…. the 2nd grade…. in vivid detail.  Like every aspect of the day, I remember.  Why?  I have stayed home from school sick COUNTLESS times.  Why remember that one?  And those things totally shape our perspective.  Mexico changed my outlook tons.  Anybody who saw the types of things i saw there would be changed by it.  It just gives a bunch of things totally new meaning….  like there’s this song, that was used in the video that was made to show our church what we did while we were there…. and now every time I hear it I think of our time down there…. it’s by Brave Saint Saturn, and it’s called “Under Bridges”…. and one part of it goes “Under Bridges / With Hands Raised / From the ghettoes they praise His name / Broke and crippled in the dark of night / Raise your voices to Jesus Christ.”  The song fits the scenario well.  While in our case there was no bridge, everything else fits perfectly.

Songs definately are tightly linked in with memory….  hearing a song can bring back tons of stuff…  I think that’s one of the reasons I like music so much.  I really do have a passion for it….  I wish I could play it well.  I’m going to do something about that.

I have this list of goals… not actually like… written out anywhere or anything like that… but… in my head.  Things about me that I need to change, things I want to do, etc.  It used to be a lot longer.  I have made so many changes in the last year….  and I am so much a better person for it.  But there is still some stuff.  I am making progress in some areas though.  So that is good.  Anyway, the guitar thing is one of those things on my list…  and in the last couple days I have been making a bit of progress in it…  so I am encouraged by that a good bit.  I just hope I have the perserverance to keep doing it even when it seems like I’m getting nowhere and get discouraged.  That’s something else I need to do….  develop some more perserverance ;).

I’m sure I’ll write another post in like 2 minutes… but that’s all for this one 😉

More soon.

-Jason

Note: The below has been a result of staying up too late, thinking and playing guitar and reading poetry and things of that sort…..  and having no one to talk to…. it happens 😉

Ok, a lot of this fed into the imagery of what I just wrote…. but it’s not really what I was talking about there… I was just thinking about it, and so I used it, because it worked….  you should be able to figure out what it is about without any explanation tho 😉

Anyway, having said that…. 🙂

I had a dream last night.

So what?

It was a dream that I didn’t want to let go of.  I knew I was dreaming the whole time…. the end part of it I was practically half awake…. I just didn’t want to let it go.  It was like…. everything I want, right there in that moment… and yet, it wasn’t real, and I knew it wasn’t.  But at the time I didn’t really care, because I was experiencing it anyway.  But eventually, I did have to wake up, and then it was gone.

Yet, I did experience it.  While not physically, in my mind.  How awesome is it that we have the ability to create this thing called a dream?  a false reality, in which anything we have ever hoped for is possible?

Sometimes dreams are seen as an aspiration, or a goal.  Usually a lofty goal.  Something beyond our reach.  Very seldom are the dreams met with reality.  Perserverance, belief.  Both are needed to make dreams become reality.  Don’t let the dream be enough.  The dream itself is a lie, not truth.  It is a false reality.  So many times we settle for the dream.

Make your dream a reality.

Here’s something new.

I wrote this:

Peace.
   Joy.
  Bliss.

All you ever wanted.
It is found here.

Tomorrow’s light means death.
               It is stripped away.

A dream.

A trick of the subconcious.
The concious tricks too.

A dearly held hope,
A false belief,
A rationalization.

You are responsible for nothing.
           Or are you?

      Fact.
Not determined by will, or desire, or wishing.
What is longed for is not always so.
Belief does not determine reality.

       Willful ignorance is death eternally.

In cleaning up some stuff in here earlier I found my book I misplaced awhile back….  “We Caught You Plotting Murder”…. for those that have never heard of it, it is a bunch of writings by Andrew Schwab, of Project 86.  Anyway… it is really good… I was just reading through some of it… thought I’d share one with you….  If you like it… I think you can still buy it…. www.project86.com.  but umm.. yeah.. here it is:

Swallow This… It Will Make You Feel Better (by Andrew Schwab)

“You’ve got a disease that there is no known cure for.  We have run the appropriate tests and found alarming conclusions.  This is a very troubling circumstance.  But what is more troubling is how you developed this condition.  It seems that due to constant exposure to the dangerous realities around you, this extremely rare virus has infected you.  I am afraid there is no known cure.  On top of this, the disease is extremely contagious as well.”  Perplexed as usual, I had to ask, “What is the disease?”  The answer: “An unyielding hunger for the truth, a passion for the people around you, and sorrow for those who still lie in darkness.  To put it plainly, you have a heart.  We must amputate immediately.”

Ok, so today I decided I would play my electric guitar for a change.  But it was not to be.  Unfortunately the one music store I DID manage to find was closed, because it is sunday.  Stupid sunday.  Anyway, I attempted to find another one, but I was unable to….  it is supposed to be there, but I saw it not.  So I went to Barnes And Noble since I was already out there….  I looked through a bunch of books…. I couldn’t find anything worthwhile.  I looked through all the fantasy stuff hoping maybe some new cool book was out… but no… it was your typical, boring, mediocre, same as the other 10,000 other fantasy books type books.  I think the store had all 10,000 of those books too.. it took FOREVER to look through ;).  But really, it’s kind of sad… I looked through a couple that looked kind of promising from reading the cover, but they didn’t really grab my attention very well, so I decided against buying them.  But sadly, most of these books…. I could write a better book then them.So either that is really sad or I am a much better writer then I think I am ;).  At any rate, I have been somewhat in the process of writing something for awhile now… considering how long ago I started it I should be much further along then I am now… but…  I hardly ever work on it 😉  Oh well.

So yeah…  I think I am going to eat… watch the simpsons… play some guitar… write some maybe… I dunno.  🙂  *shrugs*….

Ahhh… The Wonder Years…. such a great show….. I love it 🙂

*waches it*…