Category Archives: personal

posts related to my personal life

Fear & Self Loathing

Generally speaking, one living a recollected life should not stare at anything, should not listen to anything with special diligence, but should see as if without seeing and hear as if in passing, so that the memory and power of attention may be always free, immune to the impressions of the world, apt and ready to recieve the divine impressions.

-St. Ignatius Brianchaninov

I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.

-Groucho Marx

It’s been a minute. But I’ve had something on my mind the last week or two. Unfortunately, I don’t really feel like there’s anyone in my life I can talk it out with at the moment, so I thought I’d bring it here. Writing can be quite therapeutic, even if I’m the only one who is likely to read it. That said, if you are here, that’s pretty cool: I’m impressed that you’d keep checking in despite how infrequently I post things. We’re going to get pretty personal here, so fair warning.

Pretty much as far back as I can remember, I’ve had a tendency toward self loathing. I suppose that’s what you’d call it, anyway. I definitely have specific memories of feeling that way as early as elementary school, maybe 3rd grade? I’m not sure if I know the cause of my coming to feel that way, but I think a lot of it had to do with how my peers received me. At least insofar as their perception of me went, I was a dorky kid that often wasn’t really accepted into groups. I remember being a shy kid, but I don’t think I was super shy when I was particularly young. So I’m not sure if my shyness was just sort of innate or if it was something that came about in response to perhaps being seen this way. Also, I can’t really be sure if that is how those other kids really saw me, or if it’s only how I perceived that they saw me. But in either case, that’s where I remember this sort of feeling beginning.

As I got older, I began to feel less shy, sort of through middle school and high school. I still was shy, don’t get me wrong, but I was more able to push through it. That trend continued through college and pretty much the rest of my life. Now, I don’t know what makes most shy people to be shy. But, I’ve often gotten the sense that people see me as an extreme introvert. I don’t really think that’s true. It can sometimes seem true in the way that I act – for instance, I may sit alone at a table if I’m somewhere that I don’t really know anyone. But I at least don’t think that the reason why I would do that could be considered shyness. I’d sit alone essentially because I would believe that if those people were to meet me, they would probably not like me. Sometimes I might continue to assume it even after meeting someone if they are just sort of a casual acquaintance. I mean sure, they tolerate me, but surely they don’t really like me. As you might imagine, having a general assumption that people that you meet will probably not like you is a bit of an obstacle toward forming new relationships.

The trouble is, though, that throughout my life those feelings have, more often than not, been reinforced. In college I remember many times trying to do things with specific people, calling to try to make plans, and nothing ever happening. I came to think of those friendships as “unequal”, by which I meant that I felt I was more “in it” than they were, and I just tried to equalize them in the end. In regard to trying to make plans, I decided on a 3 try rule. If I’ve consciously made an effort to hang out 3 consecutive times with nothing from the other party, then it’s on them to reach out if they want to see me. I still have that rule. Then in the area of romantic relationships I’ve especially always felt that to be the case. Trying to date generally results in me feeling super depressed because I typically struggle to find someone that I have shared interests with and can really see myself with, and then in the event that I do, they never seem to reciprocate. Note that it’s not like I’m really rejecting the people that I am not super interested in, I just sort of don’t reach out and they don’t reach out to me either, for the most part.

Anyway, I really initially had the realization of my self-loathing when I was in CA. One of my favorite musicians, David Bazan, talked in several videos I saw and shows I went to about his own sort of struggle with it – and I thought, yeah, that really sounds like me. I also read a book, which I can’t recall the title of or the author, but it made the connection for me between self-loathing and narcissism, that they are both the result of an excessive focus on one’s self. Not really a big surprise, I’m a super analytical, overthinking kind of a person. If I have a conversation with you and I feel like I said something stupid I’m probably thinking about it 3 days later. If I am going to have an important conversation with you I’ve probably had it in my head 20 times before the actual conversation happens. For me, at least, self criticism comes with the territory. Making the realization is the first step, then you sort of have to work on it. I think I made some progress during that time, but again there was reinforcement of the negative. I felt like many of my friends out there wouldn’t really make time for me. I met up with the Pastor of the church that I was going to at the time out there to have a conversation about exactly this, and outside of that one conversation he never so much as asked me about it again. I remember a specific circumstance there that made me really feel that he didn’t see me as being particularly important. There were many times where various people at the church had parents or other family visit, and I’d see him really spend time talking to those people before and/or after the service. When my parents and sister came out to visit and I brought them to the church that morning, it was basically just a “hello” and off to talk to other people. Then, actually, I went out to visit for 10 days or so, and so I was there for 2 Sundays, after having been gone for at least a year. On neither of those 2 Sundays did any of the Pastoral staff (all 3 of whom I would have considered friends of varying degrees) make any particular effort to really speak to me.

And as I typed that paragraph I’m noticing a lot of that self focus. But I can’t shake that even if I am focused on myself, the thing that I noticed isn’t wrong. I can see that for those people I am not a priority, but if they had come here I’d have done everything in my power to go and have a drink with them. That’s a sucky feeling to know that you’d do that for someone but they wouldn’t do it for you. And so I guess the question I have is why is that? And the answer I’ve given myself is that I must be intrinsically unlikable in some way.

Recently I’ve been trying much harder to remember the names of people that I meet. Historically I’ve been really bad at it, and I always sort of told myself that I was bad at it. Then 3 or 4 months ago I thought: “hey, you know what might make you be not so bad at it? If you actually tried to get better at it.” So now in any circumstance when someone tells me their name I try really hard to make sure that I remember it. Repeating it in my head, ideally saying it out loud to them, those things seem to help – and I suspect also just me telling myself it’s important. A lot of that practice has come at the gym. All those people are really casual acquaintances, but interestingly enough I haven’t really felt like those people don’t like me. Now, if I’m to be fully honest, I’d have to say that I’d have a fear that if I really got to know them, they wouldn’t. But having been getting better at learning names helped also in a more recent situation.

I went to an “adult camp” a couple of weekends ago. Think summer camp, but for people 21 and up. It was fun, I met a lot of people. However, especially on the last night, some of that fun was ruined by that feeling of “do these people even like me?” It’s a feeling I’ve had countless times in the past, at new years eve parties, or really any sort of similar large group event. In addition, earlier in that day some of this stuff had been dredged up in my memory because the speaker had talked about some of this sort of thing, reminding me of how I still hadn’t really dealt with it. His advice was fairly simple: Get out of your own head, focus on serving other people. I can see how it can be good advice, but in that moment, that night, feeling the way I was feeling, I couldn’t really figure out any way that I could be doing service to other people. I think it’s good advice generally though, and I plan to try to do more things that are service oriented generally. I’ve not been super involved in those sorts of things at my church, and so I think that will be where I start.

This last piece I am going to share is a bit more specific to some of what was happening in my headspace at the camp. I had gone specifically to hopefully make real friends with other Orthodox people. Among the people that I met were two women and a guy that are part of the same diocese as me. 100% if anyone was at the camp by the time I’m done writing this, you will know who these people are, but I will not name them, because my point isn’t to call them out, it’s just to vent and to express the way I feel. Anyway, the ladies were among those I talked to the most during camp, and the guy was in the same cabin as me, though we hadn’t hung out much outside of the cabin. I felt like we had a lot of commonalities and some shared interests that could be the basis for a continued friendship. In any case, on the final morning I’ve awoken after the feelings I mentioned I was experiencing that last night, there’s sort of a lot of goodbyes and exchanges of contact information being said after breakfast, from these 2 to a bunch of people I was standing there talking with as well, and for whatever reason, nothing came my way. I was feeling pretty snubbed. Anyway, back in the cabin doing final packing and things like that, I’m talking with my cabinmate about things related to our shared diocese and I can’t recall if I suggested I might come up to visit his parish at some point or if he had suggested it, but in any case he did suggest that I should let him know if I was going to come up and had me text him my number. He also had suggested he’d add me to their Telegram group even though I didn’t quite meet the locality requirements (I don’t know why I’m obfuscating this, if you were trhere, you know who these people are). Then as the 3 of them were leaving together the ladies were outside at the car when he and I came out and we all stood there talking awhile, said Telegram group was mentioned, etc. I left feeling like: Oh, maybe I was wrong. Maybe they weren’t snubbing me. Maybe they do actually like me and I’ll be able to come up and visit and hang out with some new friends at some point.

Now, close to 2 weeks later, I’ve not been invited to any telegram group or heard from any of them in any capacity. So, it seems to be the latest confirmation of my belief that people that I meet probably won’t like me.

I’d like to beat the mindset. Like I said, I intend to try the route of focusing on service. I hope it will help. If you’ve read this far… do you have any suggestions?

Time and Place

The initial rattlings in my brain that are ultimately culminating in this post began doing their thing a little over a year ago. That’s not to say that it’s something I’ve been perpetually thinking about, but it does seem to have been coming to mind a bit more frequently of late. In 2017, just after Thanksgiving, I took a trip out to Burbank, CA, where I had lived for a few years. I wanted to see some of my friends, and I was also really excited to go and visit the church that I had gone to during my time there.

When I had first moved to Burbank (actually, I guess at first I was in Glendale, but, same general vicinity), I knew basically no one. I didn’t have high hopes to find a church that I thought I would like, because I’d tried for years here in MD and was constantly disappointed by what I found – so why should it be different in CA, I thought. Well, as luck, or perhaps divine providence, would have it, my web search yielded a result that sounded pretty promising. I decided to go and check it out.

I immediately fell in love with the place, and the people that I met there. The very first service I was invited to go watch a marathon of the new season of Arrested Development. In a move that was actually pretty uncharacteristic of me, surely driven by my desperation for human contact at the time, I took up that invitation to hang out with a bunch of people that I didn’t know at all – all of whom would become friends of varying degrees for the next few years.

The entirety of my time in Burbank, I considered that church to be a godsend. It was exactly what I needed at that time in my life – and I’m quite glad it was there, and for the friendships that I had, and, in some cases, still have. I needed a place where I was free to doubt. I still need that. It was a place that seemed pretty accepting of everyone, no matter where they stood. There were times during my time there where I felt maybe they leaned a little too heavily into politics, but for the most part, I felt they did a good job of not preaching politics and just helping people to wrestle with their faith.

My memories of the church were very fond, and then, last year, I went to visit. I actually intentionally planned to be there for 2 Sunday mornings because I wanted to go to 2 services there – I was super stoked to go. I tried to make sure that people knew I’d be there as well, so they could plan to come to the service if it were at all possible. So, I spent the first day with the friend that I was staying with, and then went with him to church the next day… which is where my disappointment began.

The first thing that I noticed was that the message seemed to be considerably more political in nature than they had been back when I was going there. It still had some of the challenging theological content that I always enjoyed, but seeing the political intermingled with it was distasteful to me. One thing I am quite sure of is that Jesus did not come to endorse any political message – in fact he seemed to avoid it whenever possible – he dealt with humans at an individual level, and left the government to its own devices. It was disheartening to see this. And from the handful of video streams I’ve watched parts of since then, it’s only gotten worse… every time I’ve tried to visit in with the church online, I’m struck by how every week they seem to go after evangelical Christians, and also conservatives. These are the people from whom I actually learned concepts like “othering” – treating people who are different than you as less than, or as the enemy. These are the people I constantly heard talking about how this shouldn’t be done, who criticized evangelicals for doing it to homosexuals, etc. It seems so painfully obvious to me that they are otherizing Christians with more traditional beliefs, as well as conservatives, and they are completely blind to it. I see Facebook posts where some of these people assume to know the hearts of conservatives, and seem to assume the worst possible intent.

The other disappointing thing while I was there was that some of the people who I thought would be excited to see me, or want to talk to me a bit at least, didn’t seem to. There were really two that kind of hit me hard… I mean, it wasn’t like it made me depressed, but I was really bummed by it. One was the pastor, who I had hoped to grab lunch or coffee with – but I’d have settled for just a longer than a couple minute small talk chat during one of the two services I was at – but, that didn’t happen either. The other was one of my friends who I had considered to be one of my closest friends while I was out there – I had let him know well in advance I was coming, and so I was hoping he’d make a bit of time for me – but, again, didn’t happen so much. I’m not saying he’s a bad friend, it’s entirely possible I just always considered him closer than he considered me – I mean, he was way more established out there than I was. It just made me realize that the world has changed, and whatever I had out there really is no more.

I don’t know what the point of writing all this out is, but… I guess maybe just to reflect on what was.


Rhythm

This blog has quite a lot to do with the sermon at Church today. That said, what I write here isn’t going to be particularly churchy, but I was definitely struck by the message today in a way that I haven’t been for quite a while… and it kind of spurred me to action.

The main thing that was compelling to me was the audible illustration used to demonstrate the point… playing music without any sense of rhythm… and then also without any rests. It really struck me for some reason.

I’ve often heard people who have accomplished a lot say that they plan their days. For some reason, that’s something that I’ve always resisted. I don’t want to be locked into anything, I just want to take things as they come and do whatever it is I want to do in that moment. I’ve always considered myself to be spontaneous, and I’ve always sort of taken pride in that. But I think that I’ve been wrong about it.

It’s far from the first time that I’ve thought about this idea, which I guess we can say is the idea of living intentionally. I’ve tried to do it in narrow aspects of my life before… most notably with dieting, etc. One of the things that always struck me back when I was in and out of jobs while doing the TV thing out in Burbank, was that when I wasn’t working I seemed to get less “personal work” done than I did when I was working. Having no structure at all I think led to not achieving any meaningful results.

It stands to reason then, that my lack of any kind of real structure in my personal life is likely the reason that I’m not achieving some of the things that I want to do. And I do want to do them, but, based on the things I actually spend time doing, you probably wouldn’t know it. And so I’m trying to change that.

Today I went out and bought a weekly planner… which is something I have absolutely never done before. Earlier this evening, I wrote out fairly detailed schedules for what I will be doing this week. Of course, there are some blocks of time in there to just relax and do what I want to do in that moment, but most importantly, I have at least an hour scheduled to work on writing my novel every day this week. In fact, I just finished spending slightly over my allotted hour working on it before writing this blog. This blog is another thing that I have time allotted to on a daily basis (30 minutes). So we shouldn’t have days where I forget to post anymore, because I have a specific time I am meant to be writing them. It is conceivable though, that I will have a day where I have some special event going on and so planning in a scheduled time to blog that day may be impossible. But in general, you will probably be able to tell how well I am doing with sticking to this by simply looking at how regularly I am blogging.

I’m kinda looking forward to it, but I’m also nervous about it… it’s so contrary to the way that I’ve always done things. I’m simultaneously worried that my schedule is too detailed and also not detailed enough. I’m sure I’ll learn how to adjust things as time goes on… and I guess that’s the important bit… not to let myself discouraged if I mess things up a bit early on. I’m happy that I got writing done tonight… when I sat down to do it because I had just written it in this book about an hour beforehand, I really wasn’t feeling like I was in a place where I could write, but I wrote about 1100 words – plus some notes.

Here’s hoping that I can start to do that on a regular basis… and maybe on a night where I feel like I’m really in a good writing place I can crank out 2,000.

Anyway, I wish you all a great week! I’ll write some more here tomorrow.

The End of an Era

What era? The era of eating only meat and vegetables.

I ate a lot today that I could not have had before, but I stayed at my allotted calorie range.

 

Breakfast? Greek yogurt with strawberries.

Lunch? 2 slices of pizza

Snack? Brownie

Dinner? Ahi Tuna, asparagus, and spinach

 

I came in basically right at 1500 calories by my best estimates – those were assisted by the Lose It app.

 

I am really interested to see how this affects the scale tomorrow. I kind of anticipate an increase? Which I don’t look forward to. But I think the carbs and such will increase water weight a bit… it won’t be REAL weight gain, but I think it will be an increase on the scale.

This morning I was still not back to my lowest weight since I started trying to lose, but it was headed back that direction. Ultimately, it will be whatever it is. I’m going to give this a try at least until the end of the year and if I’m displeased with the results, I can reassess then. Of course, I’m not making any kind of additional commitment here. My commitment is to keep trying to lose weight until I see the scale display my goal: 165. The method I get there through at this point is just going to be whatever I decide to try… so if a few weeks into this I feel like it’s going completely awry, I might change it earlier than I intend to. But I hope not. I hope this way works well for me.

 

I’m going to do my first run in awhile tomorrow as well. That will maybe earn me some bonus calories if I want to use them. I’m hoping that I’ll start to see my run performance improve now that I’ll have some carbs in me for fuel. We’ll see.

 

These will stop being diet related at some point, I swear… But it’s what’s on my mind at the moment, so… you’ll have to deal.

Days Ninety-Nine and One Hundred

…99 …100!

 

Ok so I could play it off like I meant to not post yesterday, but that’s just not true. I forgot again, and this morning I had no time to do a post, so, I’m just combining them into one… and… as a special surprise, I’m cutting the diet off a day early.

Why? Well, continuing through the end of the month was sort of an arbitrary decision, and I had debated a lot if I would go to 100 or the end of the month. Since it was only a matter of 1 day, I decided why not just go to the end of the month.

Well, at the time, I hadn’t realized there’d be a Halloween event at work, and, well, I’d like to be able to indulge a little bit there. So I’m ending things a day early.

Now, I will most definitely still be on a diet… calorie counting will be the name of the game though, not outright bans on most foods. I will still follow some rules I’ve got in my head most days (like generally I’m not going to eat things like chips), but I’ll make the occasional exception, mostly on the weekly cheat day where I’m allowed some extra calories.

I guess the idea is, slow down the weight loss a bit and migrate a bit more toward a sustainable way of eating. I think my goal will cease to be 2 pounds a week and start to be 1 pound a week. If I see those results I’ll be happy.

I was sort of scared of changing up because weight loss had been going real steady the last 3 weeks or so, but then this week it’s pretty much halted. Changing up the diet may help.

Let’s see here… Things I haven’t had in 100 days:

Pizza
Beer
French Fries
A Sandwich
Bagel
Donuts
Chips
Cheese (kind of a lie, some small bits slipped in)
Latte/Cappuccino
Milk of any kind
Soda
Juice
Fruit
Anything with added sugar or sweetener (probably messed up at some point on that, but generally)

There’s a lot more things. I’m psyched to get to have some of them. Korean BBQ is coming my way soon. Beer is coming my way on Thursday. A couple slices of pizza are coming my way for lunch at work tomorrow.

Anyway, blog posts will continue… but no more of this number nonsense. 100 days is enough!

Day Ninety-Eight

98! Only a few days left now, and then this diet will be left behind… at least until 2019, at which point I may revisit it, depending on how things go. But, if I can settle into something where I continue to lose weight, but more gradually, and I can eat a bigger variety of things, well… that will be worthwhile.

I downloaded Mars Edit to start typing up my posts on, this is really the first time I’m using it. I’m only sort of getting a first glimpse, but I kinda like it. Seems like it integrates with WordPress really well. I’ll have to play with it a lot more in the coming days.

After Day One Hundred and One, I will be changing up what I do here. Hopefully it will be more interesting… and also hopefully it will be consistent. I’ve worked hard to try to make sure I post every day. Obviously, it hasn’t been perfect, but I’ve gotten pretty close to it, and I at least made up for the missed posts the following day.

I suspect that less people are reading these now since it’s no longer being posted to Facebook. Perhaps no one is. If you’re out there still, let me know!

Day Eight

Alright, week 2 begins!

Temptation was about as strong as it could ever be at work today in terms of what was available, but I didn’t really have to try to resist it. I’m not always good at sticking to things, but when I really make a decision to do something, most times it’s not too hard to stick it out. So, sure, I wanted a bun and cheese for my burger… and also some french fries to accompany it. And maybe a margarita and 2 or 3 beers… all of which were available, and free of charge. But, I wasn’t going to throw in the towel on this just a week in. I knew if I did it, I’d just cheat more tomorrow. And reading over that, that’s a lot of calories I saved myself. And I had forgotten to mention the funnel cake I totally would have had as well. Man, I wonder if anyone will ever solve the mystery of how I gained all this weight.

Otherwise it’s more of the same for me today – feeling pretty good.

Day Three

So I can tell you… adding bulletproof coffee to the mix didn’t seem to make things any better. Most of today was still pretty rough in regard to how I’m feeling physically. Still tired, brain still mushy. I will say that I’m starting to feel a little bit better over the last hour or so. Hopefully that transitions into tomorrow.

I also have been feeling a bit lightheaded today, which means my blood pressure is probably a bit down (which is good, it was up when I went to the doctor on Monday). That’s one of the big motivators here – I’ve tried a few times to get to a point where I could come off the medication altogether (I think I was pretty close once), and I certainly don’t want to have to increase it. There’s also the fact that I’ve been starting to close in on my highest weight again (though I think I’m still in better shape at this point then I was then regardless – think I’ve got a bit more muscle mass making up some of that).

So here is what I’ve been eating:

Breakfast: 3 hard boiled eggs

Lunch: Baked chicken breast w/ onions and mushrooms

Dinner: On monday it was more of that chicken breast, yesterday it was a pork chop and sauerkraut, tonight… remains to be seen. It’s not a terribly diverse diet.

Today was the first day that there were “temptations” in the office aside from the things that are always there (chips and the like) – but free meal-like food was there. I didn’t feel any strong temptations to get it, so I think I’ve got sufficient motivation for now.

Day Two

So I’m only at day two, and already I’m really feeling the change of diet at the physical level. Yesterday and today both I have felt my energy level decrease quite a bit. What is new today is in the late afternoon my brain started to get what I’d call… muddled. Definitely not thinking as well as normal at the moment.

I was thinking about it today and I’m guessing that in following this diet I am likely to be doing the whole “ketosis” thing, though that wasn’t a conscious choice… my carb intake is certainly going to be low enough that it’s going to happen. I’d also assume that’s probably what it is that I’m feeling right now – the “keto flu” as they call it. The internet tells me it can last about a week – hopefully it’s not any longer than that. I do have some keto strips I bought awhile back when I was about to take a stab at the keto diet, so, I’ll have to check after awhile to see if I do in fact achieve ketosis.

Tomorrow morning I will also be adding in bulletproof coffee to the mix, as when I was using that before I was finding that I felt a lot more energetic – so I’m hoping that will offset this lack of energy. I would have liked to have remembered to do that this morning.

That’s it for day two – we’ll see what tomorrow brings.

Day One

So for probably about a month now I’ve been plotting some sort of diet plan to get back to where I need to be weight and health-wise. I toyed around with a few ideas, and listened through Penn Jillette’s book on his weight loss, in which he did crazy things like eat nothing but potatoes for 2 weeks. Crazy things kind of appeal to me, but, his book isn’t really a how-to, and also the guy who I guess guided him through the diet doesn’t seem to have put out a book with his diet plan in it yet, so, while I’m sure I could use Penn’s book and the internet to piece together what to do, it would be a lot of work. Combine that with the fact that it leaves you on a vegetarian diet, and it really stops appealing to me at all anyway. Also, it’s questionable if getting such low protein and losing muscle along with fat is really a good thing (FWIW, Penn claims the muscle comes back fast after you finish the weight loss phase of the diet).

I also was recently listening to Jordan Peterson discuss his carnivore diet with Joe Rogan recently. So he’s literally only been eating meat. So that’s kind of crazy too. I thought about it briefly, but, again, there’s not really any evidence regarding how this will affect a person (as of the podcast I believe he hadn’t yet had bloodwork done since starting that diet). So, I’m not going to go quite that crazy.

Anyone who has listened to Joe Rogan on a regular basis will know that he typically promotes just eating meat and vegetables, which seems to me to be a pretty good place to “reset” a diet to, and that’s the one thing that I sort of got out of Penn Jillette’s book… that I need to sort of hit reset on my diet and how I relate to food.

I’ve known for awhile now that I have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with food… If I get sad, or stressed out, or have a bad day, that is where I tend to turn. Eating a cheeseburger and fries, or a pizza, or a donut, etc, will surely make me feel better. And I mean, they kind of do, at least for a bit. But I’ve also recognized that it’s self-defeating, as doing that long term will lead toward feeling kind of crappy.

Of course there’s also what is the typical American bad relationship with food, which is just sort of… “Hey, want to hang out? Better get a lot of food. Maybe some dessert and snacks too.” Any time anything good happens, we tend to celebrate with food. So if you eat crappy food when you’re sad, and you also eat it when you’re happy, you’re pretty much eating crappy food all the time. And so that’s why I need a reset. I’d like to get myself where I start to think of food as nothing more than what it is… sort of a “fuel”. I thing I need to survive. Not something to make me feel better, not something that I have when I’m celebrating. It’s just food.

And so my plan is this – For the next 90 days, starting today:

I will eat only meat and vegetables. I will allow most seasonings, butter, and some sauces  – as long as they’re very low in calories (such as hot sauce). The carb heavy vegetables will be kept to a minimum.

I will drink only water, unsweetened tea, and coffee (w/o cream or sugar, which is how I mostly drink it anyway). So that will mean no cappuccinos, no soda, no beer, no wine, no liquor. Mostly the idea is “don’t drink calories”, but also I’m going to avoid all artificial sweeteners for the duration. That said, if I happen across a different drink that has no calories and no artificial sweeteners, it would theoretically be allowed.

The final bit of the diet is, I’m going to allow the option for a cheat day after every 30 days. If I use a cheat day, the cheat day doesn’t count for the next set of 30 days, and while I don’t have to use the cheat day on “day 31”, for the purposes of acquiring another cheat day, it will reset the counter whenever I use it. For my first 30 days, I will have a strong motivation to really not use the cheat day, because I know I will want to go to the fair, and due to the timing of starting this, using the cheat day would make the very last day of the fair the only day I could eat there. Or maybe by then I’ll no longer desire fair food. We shall see.

Oh yes, and I plan to post a little something here every day, with a subject line of what day it is, and… I dunno, probably something about how I’m feeling, maybe what I ate. I’ll certainly require myself to post about any screw ups, as that will help with motivation a bit.

So, here goes.