Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.
“Transition isn’t pretty, but stagnation is hideous.”
“When our first parents were driven out of Paradise, Adam is believed to have remarked to Eve: “My dear, we live in an age of transition.””
-Dean William R. Inge
Many times in my life, I have found myself in states of massive transition. I suspect that I have experienced more of them than most people my age, though, I would also wager there are many who have experienced more than me. Unfortunately, the last couple times it has felt like my life has come to a screeching halt while the rest of the world moves on around me. Suffice to say, it’s not a pleasurable state to be in.
I have definitely questioned a lot of the choices I’ve made, and I wonder how things would be different if I had decided different things, or if I had reacted to events differently. I tend to think that I’d probably at least be in a more stable and established position if I had done so. But really there’s no way to know what would have happened. There are many people that I would never have met, and loads of experiences I would never have had. I can’t help but come back to the Taoist parable that proclaims “Who knows what’s good and what’s bad?” It may be pointless to even reflect upon, because at this stage, there’s no going back.
So again I am at this crossroads of trying to find somewhere I belong. The most obvious aspect of this for anyone that I interact with is that of employment. I need a job that pays decently and that is at least tolerable. This one is probably also the simplest, while it’s taking long than I would have hoped, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time until something works out.
Less obvious might be that I don’t really have a social group that I feel like I really belong in anymore. Which isn’t to say that I don’t love and appreciate my friends here, it’s certainly not their fault that this is the case. But I don’t have even one single (as in, not in a couple) friend here. In the best of cases, it’s limiting. This is where some of what I wrote about in my previous post comes in… I need to be better at meeting people. Even forging one connection with, say, another single dude, could help greatly in connecting with more people. That said, I feel an itch to be elsewhere, which I suppose may or may not actually be scratched by actually being elsewhere.
All in all, I would say that at present I feel profoundly unfulfilled. I have few local friendships, and virtually none of those are terribly active, I have no romantic prospects, ever since my contracted at BSW ended I’ve lacked fulfillment in a job as well, and now have plenty of time to think about all that lack of fulfillment.
I recently decided to start working on a novel. It’s not a format that I’ve done very much writing in, but I want to give it a try at least. It seems like a good creative outlet for me for the moment at least. Hopefully it will provide at least a modicum of creative fulfillment once it really gets going.
Anyway, I have to figure things out and find my way to a point where I’m at least partially, and hopefully mostly, fulfilled. It’ll probably take some time and some effort… but I’m sure I’ll get there.
Sorry for the depressing post, I promise it gets better from here!