I mentioned in one of my early posts since rebooting this blog that a very long post would be coming. \u00a0This is that post.<\/p>\n
This is a very personal story. \u00a0Obviously, if I weren’t ok with all of it being common knowledge I wouldn’t post it here. \u00a0As with most things here, it is mainly for the benefit of my own reflection, but I hope that it might help you in some way. \u00a0Also, it represents one side of a story, I’m sure there are differences on the other side. \u00a0Probably only a handful of people know the story in its entirety, but here it will be very complete.<\/p>\n
5 years ago, life was very different for me. \u00a0I lived in Maryland. \u00a0I worked as an integration technician for a government contractor. \u00a0Oh yes, and I was married to a girl (yes, I think girl is an apt description) named Holly. \u00a0I was generally quite content with life. \u00a0Then something happened. \u00a0That’s kind of the setup for most stories. \u00a0We have our hero, and all is well in his world, until one day, something happens that threatens the wellness of his world. \u00a0Not that I’m a hero, but, well, screw it, I’ll be a hero in my version of this story.<\/p>\n
As was the norm, I woke up and got ready for work. \u00a0The night before Holly had seemed a bit down. \u00a0I approached her about it and she told me she was just tired, so I had decided to let her sleep, and left the bedroom so as not to disturb her. \u00a0However, that morning was not particularly memorable. \u00a0I’m not a morning person, so I’m sure that has a bit to do with it as well. \u00a0I do remember that we drove separately that day. \u00a0Oh yeah, we worked at the same place. \u00a0She was the receptionist in the building. \u00a0No, we didn’t meet there, I had helped her to get that job when I learned it would be opening, but that’s not important to the story. \u00a0Anyway, driving separately didn’t seem that significant, sometimes either she or I would be running late and rather than both of us being late, we’d just do that. \u00a0So, that day she seemed to be running late. \u00a0Fair enough.<\/p>\n
At some point during the day, she told me that she wanted to meet and talk somewhere after work, and we decided to go to Baker Park. I arrived there first, and sat on a bench by the road and waited for her to arrive. \u00a0After several minutes, she drove up and walked over, sitting on the other side of the bench. \u00a0She told me that she wasn’t happy, and that she needed some time apart to think about things. \u00a0She also handed me a page from her journal that she had written the night before.<\/p>\n
“I can’t sleep. \u00a0This is the first time I can remember something bothering me so bad I can’t sleep. \u00a0I keep thinking… about the countless nights I go to sleep alone. \u00a0About how far apart we truly are. \u00a0We still have our pet names and hold hands and kiss, but it’s all just habit. \u00a0For the past 7 months I think both of us have tried more than ever. \u00a0To understand, to love each other as man and wife. \u00a0My patience is waning. \u00a0How much longer should we try and hope against hope? \u00a0How much more can we put ourselves through? \u00a0What are we missing in the meantime?<\/p>\n
The last time I had this gut feeling was 10-14-2005<\/p>\n
It’s not very fair to either of us to go on like this. \u00a0How much happier would he be with someone who likes LOTRO and games and movie theaters and his friends? \u00a0How much longer can I tell myself “No you fit in. \u00a0It’s all in your head.” \u00a0Do I want to let my pride win by saying “I don’t care the cost, I’m going to stick it out.” \u00a0Even if it costs both our happiness. \u00a0I’m going to prove to everyone we’re going to stay together. \u00a0Even if we would both be happier with no one at all.<\/p>\n
When we first started dating we said if we ever split up, it would be mutual. \u00a0I wonder if he still feels this way?<\/p>\n
Also, if this would really be better for both of us… why do I feel that knot in my throat? \u00a0Why do I feel more pain now than when I left home? \u00a0Is it because I’m overreacting in PMS or is it because I’m facing a truth I’ve known about and ignored for years?”<\/p>\n
At some point in the conversation she talked about how she\u00a0had left the room after I came down to bed, because she hadn’t been able to sleep. \u00a0She said she hoped I would realize she had gone, and come up and talk to her, almost as though the fact that I didn’t was a sign of some kind. \u00a0For my part, I don’t recall her leaving the bed, and so I can only assume I was already asleep by the time she did so.<\/p>\n
Oh yeah, an explanation is due concerning that date she wrote. \u00a0That refers to when she left her home in Texas to come and live with my family in Maryland. \u00a0She had… not the best home life, which no doubt contributed to this situation. \u00a0Anyway…<\/p>\n
I can’t remember what I did say, but I do know that I was taken completely off guard, and needed to gather my thoughts. \u00a0After all, just maybe a month before for Easter she had given\u00a0me a card in which she wrote “I love you more than ever.” \u00a0And generally by all appearances things seemed to be getting better between us, and not worse. \u00a0Regardless, we agreed to meet up the next day to talk.<\/p>\n
That night was pretty rough. \u00a0I don’t think I slept much, and I thought a lot about what I wanted to say to her, and really what I could do to make things better. \u00a0I was determined to make things better.<\/p>\n
The next day arrived. \u00a0It was a workday. \u00a0Being that I was miserable, I called in to say I couldn’t make it. \u00a0I can’t recall what I did that day, but I do know that when I tried to get Holly to meet me, she said that she wasn’t ready, and so, we didn’t meet that day.<\/p>\n
Here is where I’m going to interject a bit of history. \u00a0This is a part that I don’t talk about really ever, mainly because even if the fact that I was married comes up in conversation (which is pretty rare), this part certainly doesn’t. \u00a0Very shortly after we got married, I found out that she was talking to some guy online, which included “cybersex” and the like. \u00a0This bothered me, and I confronted her about it, and it stopped. \u00a0It then went into the past. \u00a0Ultimately, it was only an online thing and she didn’t really know this person, so it wasn’t quite “real”. \u00a0I don’t recall exactly how much later, perhaps a year, maybe a bit less, and I again find out she is talking to someone online, doing similar things. \u00a0This time with a guy that was from her hometown. \u00a0I can’t recall exactly how I initially stumbled upon it, I think I was using her computer for something , but at any rate I saw something and then started digging and found several damning conversations. \u00a0The thing that actually bothered me more than anything about it was how hateful and mean a lot of what the guy said about me to her was, and that she didn’t defend me at all. \u00a0 But, to make it as short as possible, this time there was a bit of a bigger blowout, but it ultimately resolved again. \u00a0Then there was the third time, just a few months later, but this time not online. \u00a0I still don’t know for sure how far things progressed, but it involved intimate talk and at least some physicality for sure (this is to say, I don’t believe they went so far as to actually have sex, but I have no way of knowing for sure). \u00a0This was with a person at work, who I worked with. \u00a0This time I was pretty enraged by the whole thing. \u00a0It’s hard to remember all the details, and summing it up it sounds pretty simple, but, after some time it sort of got patched up, with an understanding that it just simply couldn’t happen again.<\/p>\n
Obviously, in hindsight, it seems odd that this would happen with any regularity and I would be caught off guard that something was wrong some 7 months later. \u00a0However, it is those 6 months in which I genuinely felt that things were getting better and better. \u00a0As she had said in her letter, we had both been working on it harder than ever, and to me it seemed to be working. \u00a0Evidently not to her, though she never told me about that prior to this letter.<\/p>\n
Ok, so back to the part where it’s basically the worst day of my life and she’s telling me she’s not ready to meet up the day after she gave me the letter. \u00a0During this time, I later found out, she was in fact with a guy that she had been talking to and hanging out with (not secretly, I knew she was friends with the guy, and aside from one day when she was just gone an exorbitant amount of time I was perfectly OK with it). \u00a0Turns out, she had decided she\u00a0might want to be more than friends with him. \u00a0So, that day she was spending with him.<\/p>\n
We both went to work the next day. \u00a0Walking past reception was more than a little awkward. \u00a0Being in the back room with the guys was also uncomfortable, as I was fairly certain they knew something was up. \u00a0Over instant messages, I asked if we could talk at lunch, and she agreed.<\/p>\n
We met in the cemetery \u00a0(fitting, I suppose) where she liked to walk around sometimes. \u00a0As a reminder, this is less than 48 hours from when she said she wanted to spend some time apart. \u00a0Apparently that day with the other guy was all that she needed to figure out that she didn’t just want time apart, she wanted to be divorced, and there was no room for any discussion on the matter whatsoever. \u00a0It was quite a departure from what I had been led to believe from our previous encounter. \u00a0We were going to talk about things, and from the sound of it try to work through some issues with some distance between us. \u00a0In fact, she had referenced our agreement to end things amicably if we had ever parted ways. \u00a0I realize that might seem a bit odd, because I don’t think most people make such agreements, but, it was something that I took pretty seriously.<\/p>\n
The actual wording of what we agreed was that if we broke up, we would do so by mutual agreement. \u00a0Here is what the agreement meant: You can’t just get pissed and bail, or for any reason just leave without sort of giving the other person a chance to convince you otherwise. \u00a0The whole point was to convince the other person that it was for the best. \u00a0That she referenced it, and then made no attempt to abide by it was a bit shocking to me. \u00a0She basically told me what she had decided on her own before talking to me, essentially told me that she didn’t love me, and, in fact, had never loved me, and gave my back her ring. \u00a0Then, she left.<\/p>\n
It’s difficult to describe exactly how I felt. \u00a0I wanted to be somewhere \u00a0that felt hopeful, and so I started to drive to the spot that I proposed to her. \u00a0It’s not a difficult spot to find, and I went there often enough, but my mind was such a flurry that I \u00a0kind of got lost, it took me quite a bit to get there. \u00a0I don’t recall much of what I did once there, but then I went to a mutual friends place to tell them what was going on. To that point, no one had known anything about the separation at all.<\/p>\n
That night was, I believe, the most torturous night of my life. \u00a0I’m positive that I didn’t sleep at all. \u00a0There has never been a moment of more intensive self-examination in my life before or since. \u00a0I knew that it was possible that I had fucked up in some way without realizing it, but I was going to fix it, no matter what that meant.<\/p>\n
Then a few days later, my cousin received a phone call and learned that Holly was in an accident. \u00a0As it turns out, Holly was so shaken by it that she accidentally called the wrong person (my cousin shares the same first name as the person she intended to call). \u00a0 \u00a0I was on my way to work, and I in fact got all the way there, but then, conflicted about whether or not I should go to the hospital, just went, because I decided that was what I really wanted to do. \u00a0It was at this point she was a bit shaken up, and she seemed to loosen on her apparent resolve to end things. \u00a0We had a pretty good conversation there. \u00a0I don’t recall the specifics of most of it, but the phrase she said that I remember taking away from this was that “you’re still my best friend”. \u00a0If that was\u00a0true though, she had a funny way of treating her best friend.<\/p>\n
We talked a few more times, with my primary goal being to understand the situation, because it just didn’t make any sense to me. \u00a0Her ultimate statement was that she needed to find herself. \u00a0She wanted to know who she was as a person on her own. \u00a0Due to her past infidelities, I had some suspicions about this being over some other guy. \u00a0I in fact specifically asked about this at that point, and she told me that she was not seeing anyone, and she didn’t want to see anyone. \u00a0She wanted to be alone. \u00a0I accepted that for that moment.<\/p>\n
Shortly after this she informed me that she wanted me to basically not talk to her for a month. \u00a0Given what she had said before, I reluctantly agreed to it. \u00a0During the course of this month however, I learned from mutual friends that while she was telling me that, she was telling them that she didn’t want to speak to me ever again. \u00a0The reason for that was entirely unclear, and ultimately lead to our mutual friends no longer being her friends, because the reasons were unclear to them as well.<\/p>\n
Also in the course of this month of not talking to her I discovered that she was in fact seeing that aforementioned\u00a0guy. \u00a0I did not take that very well. I recall sending some very angry text messages her way because she didn’t answer the phone. \u00a0I also recall that her first response to me telling her that I knew was “Oh, so I guess we don’t need to do counseling then.” \u00a0 (I guess I left that out earlier, at some point I had convinced her to reluctantly go to counseling, but it never actually happened.)<\/p>\n
It was at this point that I took the unsavory action of informing friends and her family of exactly what her actions were, because, well, I was pissed, and I wanted people to see her for what she was. \u00a0In hindsight, it’s not the best possible action I could have taken, but, I think it was understandable and justifiable. \u00a0 \u00a0She was not happy about it.<\/p>\n
I guess not much happened for a while following this. \u00a0I wrote an enormous letter which I still have a copy of on my computer… \u00a0I’m not sure whether or not she ever read it, but I am sure that she never replied. \u00a0It was sort of my last-ditch effort to show her that I genuinely cared about restoring the relationship despite everything. \u00a0 \u00a0It’s a little hard for me to understand why at this point. \u00a0As much as I would prefer that none of this had ever happened, as it did happen, I don’t know why I still wanted to be with that person.<\/p>\n
After that not too much happened for close to a year, and then out of nowhere she sent me an email asking if I would be willing to meet up and talk. \u00a0Of course I was willing. \u00a0After I agreed, she sent another email asking if I could bring a copy of the marriage certificate. \u00a0I can’t remember why she said she needed it. \u00a0Anyway, I brought it and spoke with her, again I was trying to understand the situation, and again she said that she would like to be friends. \u00a0We spoke one more time, and then shortly after that conversation she sent me an email saying that she in fact did not want to be friends. \u00a0Well, OK then.<\/p>\n
It was at about that time that she started up the divorce process and had me sign papers. At the time I was happy to sign them, because honestly I just wanted the process to be over with since it was clear that she was not going to try to make anything work. \u00a0There’s a small part of me that is a little bit vindictive and wishes I would have not signed them so she would have had to wait another year for the divorce, because as it turns out, while during that last conversation we had she told me that she just didn’t believe marriage was for her and she would never get married again, she did get married again. \u00a0Less than a year later. \u00a0Probably so that she could go to Germany with the guy that she married (he was in the military, so my understanding is, if she was not married to him, she wouldn’t be able to go with him).<\/p>\n
Anyway, that’s the main thrust of the story. \u00a0There are lots of little bits that I do remember that I guess don’t have much bearing on story overall.<\/p>\n
So it’s 5 years later, since we were separated, and functionally divorced, if not legally (legally divorced closer to 4 years, I don’t even know the exact date of that). \u00a0How do I feel about it now?<\/p>\n
Well, I still feel like it is the worst experience I have ever gone through. \u00a0It was absolutely miserable and lonely and painful. \u00a0I also think it’s caused me to grow more than anything else in my life to date. \u00a0I am most certainly “over it” at this point. \u00a0I don’t long to be with her, or anything like that, but that said, I think that it still affects me in terms of how I approach relationships, and I do think it has given\u00a0me some trust issues. \u00a0And there’s also still a definite part of me that wants her to get what’s coming to her. \u00a0I have no interest in trying to make that happen mind you, but I’d be lying if I said hearing that her life had fallen apart wouldn’t feel like vindication to me. \u00a0That’s probably wrong of me, but it’s also the truth.<\/p>\n
I still miss being married, though, as I said, I don’t long to be in a relationship with her. \u00a0I do wish that she would speak to me. \u00a0It still feels like an unresolved issue in my life, and while there are people who I have grown apart from before, she is the only person where things ended pretty chaotically.<\/p>\n
I had to fight to keep from becoming jaded toward marriage for some time… \u00a0as much as I miss being married, I think I am reluctant to pursue it again, not so much on an intentional level, but I guess on a subconscious level.<\/p>\n
Wow that’s a long post. \u00a0If you read this entire thing\u00a0you deserve some kind of award. \u00a0If you comment I’ll assume you read it all and buy you a coffee sometime. \u00a0You’re on the honor system.<\/p>\n
That’s all I have to say about that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I mentioned in one of my early posts since rebooting this blog that a very long post would be coming. \u00a0This is that post. This is a very personal story. \u00a0Obviously, if I weren’t ok with all of it being common knowledge I wouldn’t post it here. \u00a0As with most things here, it is mainly … Continue reading Disparate<\/span>