Category Archives: spiritual

culture, spiritual

Darkness

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Pull back from the darkness.

It’s so tempting to give into it, I know. It seems like the answer. Become a demon to defeat the demons.

But that way lies destruction. It’s the one ring. In destroying the evil, you will become the evil.

Remind yourself of that. Keep reminding yourself. Because if you forget, all is lost.

I’ve been waiting for my mind to clear since Wednesday… it’s still not fully clear. I got sucked into a Facebook argument for the first time in a long while and that didn’t really help. But I think I needed to say the thing that kicked it off. I don’t think just letting things go is working. Just let it go and keep the peace and then one day your friend cheers for your death… or at least justifies it for your murderer.

I wanted to wait also because at first I just felt rage. I felt the darkness pulling at me. And so I had to take a couple of days to pull out of it. To remind myself. And now I think I’m there. I think I can write something that might be helpful to someone.

I had been wanting to make a happier post about Kpop Demon Hunters, a movie that I never thought I would watch, and certainly never thought I would recommend. I don’t necessarily agree with every single element of the film – mainly there’s a bit of LGBT imagery, very subtle, but the filmmaker has confirmed that element. In my opinion, that’s the weakest bit of the story, tying into Rumi being half-demon. The movie unapologetically paints demons as being bad, the only one we’re led to have any sympathy for is a demonized human named Jinu. While the movie doesn’t expound on the nature of demons very much, it seems that demons are either DEMON demons or demonized humans. Since demons, and the demonic aspects of the demonized humans are clearly evil, some of what they do with Rumi (she’s half demon by birth, because her father was a demon (presumably a demonized human?) doesn’t really work. But I won’t get into it, because it doesn’t matter for my purposes, and I don’t want to give any big spoilers.

The movie is kind of a musical, there’s several songs and they all tie into the plot. If you haven’t seen it and want a total clean slate, stop reading, but there are only going to be what I consider to be very minor spoilers here. I’m going to share videos of 2 songs, because they’re directly relevant to what I want to talk about.

I guess I also should explain the basic premise of the movie. There’s a Kpop girl band called Huntrix, and the 3 ladies in it are a team of demon hunters. Essentially through their music they hold the demons at bay, barring them from our world – and sometimes they slash them up a bit with some sort of spiritual weapons should they get through. Gwi-Ma is sort of the king of demons, a Satan figure I suppose, and he sends Jinu and some other apparently demonized humans to form a Kpop boy band called the Saja Boys, and they’re what I’d consider the primary antagonists of the movie. So one of the songs I’ll share is from Huntrix, and the other the Saja Boys.

The first song is called Takedown. Here’s a link to the video, and I’ll reference some lyrics below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8Dr7vzMSVE

Like I said, I am going to keep the spoilers minor, and really only reference what I have to of the plot to make my point. When they’re writing this song, it’s controversial. Rumi feels uncomfortable with the lyrics because they’re full of hate.

“’Cause I see your real face and it’s ugly as sin
Time to put you in your place ’cause you’re rotten within
When your patterns start to show
It makes the hatred wanna grow outta my veins”

And if those words aren’t enough, we get this:

“A demon with no feelings, don’t deserve to live, it’s so obvious”

and

“I’ma cut you open, lose control, then rip out your heart
You’ll be beggin’ and cryin’, all of you dyin’”

Part of what makes this film as popular as it is is that the plot isn’t obviously explicitly about anything in the real world. You can look at the story and grasp on to points of meaning as they relate to you. That’s not to say that it has no message though, or that the message is totally relative. Because while I could apply the demons this song is talking about to the guy that murdered Charlie Kirk and the people that take joy in that; and you might apply the demons this song is talking about to be Donald Trump and MAGA, and I suppose me, the point of this song in the context of the film is that whoever you perceive the demons to be, hatred isn’t the right course of action. And in fact that hatred is going to be turned back against you to destroy you. I could get more explicit with the plot, but I think you should just watch it, and then you’ll understand. Like I said, it’s the ring. Maybe you’ll “win”, but in your victory you will become what you hate.

Now for song 2, this one is called “Your Idol”. I’ll probably quote most of the lyrics from this one, because what it’s talking about is really how the darkness gets in. To set the stage, as you’ll see when you watch the video, at this point the mask is off, they’re quite obviously demons, and the crowd is entranced. And let me tell you, at this point in time, there’s a lot of people entranced by demons with their masks off right now. The trouble is, when you’re entranced, you can’t see it.

https://youtu.be/cWppAbqm9I8?si=D4PXNJu85q9A70jj

“Keeping you in check, keeping you obsessed
Play me on repeat, endlessly in your head
Anytime it hurts, play another verse
I can be your sanctuary
Know I’m the only one right now
I will love you more when it all burns down
More than power, more than gold 
Yeah, you gavе me your heart, now I’m herе for your soul

I’m the only one who’ll love your sins
Feel the way my voice gets underneath your skin”

The biggest theme that runs through the film is the idea of shame, and that’s one of the key ways that demons control us. To quote St. Silouan the Athonite, “Understand two thoughts, and fear them. One says, “You are a saint,” and the other, “You won’t be saved.” Both of these thoughts are from the enemy, and there is no truth in them. But think this way: I am a great sinner, but the Lord is merciful. He loves people very much, and He will forgive my sins.”

How does this tie in to what I’ve been talking about? When you’re going after those demons, singing your takedown song, you’re thinking of yourself as a saint. And that’s what the demons will tell you. But then, as you give into the hate, as you become like them, eventually you’re going to have that aha moment and see what you’ve become, and then you’re going to feel shame. And that’s when their message turns into “no one could love you, God can’t save you, I’m all you have… ‘I’m the only one who’ll love your sins.’ Every word of it is a lie, but so often we believe it.

“Listen ’cause I’m preachin’ to the choir
Can I get the mic a little higher?
Gimme your desire
I can be the star you rely on (You rely on)
You’re lost in my daze, yeah, you can’t look away (Hey)
Don’t you know I’m here to save you?
Now we runnin’ wild
Yeah, I’m all you need, I’ma be your idol

…

Don’t let it show, keep it all inside
The pain and the shame, keep it outta sight
Your obsession feeds our connection
So right now give me all your attention”

There’s a lot to say here. Again, keep in mind these are demons, these are liars. It’s the darkness calling out on you. You can rely on me, don’t you know I’m here to save you? This is exactly how evil works, tricking us into thinking its good, tricking us into thinking its our way out. And then as we recognize our evil deeds, we become obsessed, thinking we can’t go back. It’s never too late to go back. It’s never too late to repent.

“Living in your mind now
Too late ’cause you’re mine now
I will make you free
When you’re all part of me
Listen ’cause I’m Preaching to the choir
Can I get the mic a little higher?
Gimme your desire
Watch me set your world on fire
You’re lost in my daze, yeah, you can’t look away
No one is coming to save you
Now we runnin’ wild
You’re down on your knees, I’ma be your idol”

Lies upon lies. You’re so far in there’s no turning back. “Too late, you’re mine now.” And then this is where the true despondency kicks in, when you realize the demon you’ve been listening to isn’t going to love you when the world burns down, it is itself what’s going to set the world on fire. It’s not going to save you, NO ONE is coming to save you – but that’s the final lie, because God still can.

Adding this is an edit, in hopes no one has read it yet. I forgot to say that another key theme of the film is isolation. The demons try to isolate you, to use the shame and fear to drive you apart. We have to connect. We have to stop seeing people as enemies. The truth is that you see demons where there are none, and if you even believe in actual demons, you’re probably completely unaware of them.

This is a really odd post, I recognize that, but I think it makes sense. It’s the most sense I can make of the world right now, anyway.

I don’t know the way out. God knows. But I do know the way to destruction, and that’s to run into the darkness, to embrace the demons.

Pull back from the brink.

Fly, you fools.

Flee the darkness, or it will consume you.

personal, spiritual

Orthodox Men’s Retreats

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Here we are again to reflect on a retreat for neither the first or the last time. Though, it is the first time I’m reflecting specifically on an Orthodox Christian Men’s retreat. I feel like this was a thing that I needed to experience but didn’t really even realize that I needed to experience it until after it happened.

First I must say I am very thankful to two different Michaels that I was able to attend at all – I met Michael Mason through the singles retreat the week before, and he let me know about a ticket that was available through Michael Baclig, who was heading up the retreat. I quickly made the decision that I would try to attend and was able to get off work and make necessary arrangements. My decision to go was also influenced by the fact that Fr. Stephen De Young was on the schedule, and so I am thankful that he was going as well, because I might not have been able to convince myself I wanted to make a 10 hour drive otherwise. I’ve been listening to Lord of Spirits from the beginning, and while I’d met Fr Andrew several times, I’d never seen Fr. Stephen prior, so it seemed like a good opportunity. I’m glad for that because while I wasn’t familiar with the other speakers, I was very grateful to be introduced to them.

I found the talks all to be very valuable, and it really connected in with some of my goals for the immediate future. Recently I’ve been really trying to think of ways to build community in my parish, and between the talks and conversations with other attendees, I got so many ideas for this. I really appreciated Fr Stephen’s analogy to how one goes to sleep: “lay down and pretend like you’re asleep until you’re actually asleep”. That solidified in my head what I plan to do for the small group I’ll be leading starting next week. I’ve got a few people that are lined up to attend, but I’ve told all of them: hey, I’m going to be there no matter what. If no one else shows up, I’ll sit there alone and read a book for an hour, but if even a single other person shows up we’re going to have some fellowship and conversation.

For my personal life, in the realm of what I’m willing to share publicly, thinking about the types of work that we do and the relative fulfillment from them further confirmed for me that I really need to focus on creative endeavors this year. My job is fine, but I don’t really find it fulfilling – the most that there is that I can point to and say “I did that” is something like “well, there are fewer vulnerabilities on these computers than there were when I scanned them last time” or “hey, it’s been another week with no ransomware attack!” It’s time that I got disciplined about my desire for storytelling and actually completed a writing project. That’s part of the reason I’ve committed to the reading goals I did for the year – If I’m immersed in reading, it will help in writing.

If I have any criticism of the event, it is only that it was perhaps too structured. There was always something that you should be doing. I don’t think it should be loosened up too much, but a little more breathing room throughout the day would have been nice. It was a great event though, I was so glad that I went.

personal, spiritual

Orthodox Singles Retreats

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It’s now the second day after the first ever Ancient Faith Orthodox Christian Singles retreat, and I thought perhaps I’d turn to my poor, neglected blog to do some reflection on what transpired there from my own perspective. So here it comes: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. (There’s no ugly… well, except perhaps for myself).

Overall it was a really good experience. I had the opportunity to meet and speak with a lot of people. Everyone was very friendly. I met some people that I really hope will become long term friends and not just people that exist on my Facebook timeline. Only time can tell that, really. Also I got some contact info from a few of the ladies that maybe/hopefully could lead to something down the road – no sparks flew right off the bat for me, but as I get to know them better I hope to at least develop a friendship and I’m open/hopeful for one of those friendships to develop into something more.

Going into this retreat I was very cognizant of trying to manage my expectations, and to keep them as low as possible. Of course, hope springs eternal, and keeping the idea that maybe this will be the time that everything I’ve wanted for years suddenly comes to fruition completely out of mind and subdued is something that is nigh impossible. That said, I successfully negotiated myself down to “if I leave this with a greater sense of Orthodox community, it will have been a success.” I do think that is achieved. Since coming home, I have been in touch with a few folks from the retreat, and it is my hope that it continues. In a certain sense, it is too early to call, as this may be a short-lived post-retreat reality and a month or two from now I’ll be completely out of contact with all of those people, but it is my hope and prayer that is not the case.

Aside from that, I was surprised at the spiritual renewal I experienced as part of the retreat. I feel like something clicked in me and I have an understanding I didn’t possess before. It’s something that would be difficult to put into words, because it is all based on things I had heard a million times before, and I don’t think the intellectual understanding has really changed – it feels more like a change in my spirit. I’ve struggled a very long time with periods of despondency, and it has caused other setbacks and strife in my life. Despondency breeds despondency. It’s part of the reason why as much as I looked forward to this retreat I dreaded an outcome that was negative and substantially less than what I had an expectation for. It’s why I tried so hard to mitigate my expectations beforehand. I didn’t want to leave the retreat, and come home, and feel the dread of despondency.

That fear was very real for me, as my previous experience at the Antiochian Village had ended that way. I enjoyed my time at Adult Camp in 2022 (for the most part), but the reality is that when I came home I felt miserable and was immersed in feelings of despair. I hadn’t found anything close to what I was looking for. Even the small handful of people I initially had a small amount of communication with quickly fell off the map. I had a real spiritual struggle, and while I felt like in some ways I worked my way through some inner turmoil, by and large it felt like a spiritual regression in the weeks and months following. None of this is the fault of anyone at Antiochian Village, it was all part of my personal struggles, and some interactions with some of the campers there – or at least my perception of those interactions.

So far, the aftermath in my personal life of these two events is markedly different, and I hope that it remains so. As this will be posted to Facebook, many of the retreat attendees will have access to read it, though, who knows whether or not they will. My general assumption is that no one reads any of these, ever. When I write here, it is for myself, though of course I don’t write anything I’m not comfortable with being public knowledge. If any of you do find your way here, please feel free to share your own experience, whether in the Facebook comments or the comments here on this WordPress blog.

I hope that others experienced the same sort of change that I did, and left with a sense of peace and hope rather than despair.