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The Stories We Tell Ourselves

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I’ve been thinking a lot recently about my perception of what is happening in my life. I don’t know if it’s a universal human experience, but I think that a lot of us experience life as story. Story imitates life, and so it’s a framework that makes our lives understandable and infuses them with meaning. I think most of the the time the mapping is sort of natural and intuitive. We observe what is happening and it gets mapped onto a story that we understand, and everything resolves rather nicely.

Less frequently, something takes us by surprise. And it’s not JUST unexpected, it’s jarring. A “plot twist” in the story might be a slight surprise, but it still makes sense – it’s consistent with the story we were telling ourselves, it just maybe wasn’t the most obvious telling. But what if you think you’re living one story, but it turns out that you’re actually living another? That’s something else altogether, and it’s extremely jarring, because you have this sudden realization of: “OH. That’s not what’s happening here at all. How did I get that so wrong?”

These past few weeks, I thought I was living one story, but it turned out I was living another. It all sort of came to ahead last weekend/the beginning of this week. It was disorienting, and a bit painful, but in the last few days I’ve been learning a LOT about both myself and other people.

Since this is public and I’m not sure who will read it, I’m going to be vague enough about details that anyone who might would know who the other person involved in is wouldn’t be able to simply know. If you’re here, you probably know who I am, and I’m quite OK with my part of this being known, but I’m not trying to expose anything about another person, I just want to reflect on my part of the experience. So some bits of information about her as I understand her are necessary, but identifiable information will be withheld.

Not too long ago I had an interaction with a woman that felt like a moment of connection. She was previously known to me, though I didn’t know her well. Now, I cannot know how the moment felt to her, but on my side it felt beautiful and deep. She opened up and so did I. That moment endeared her to me, and it felt significant.

Following that, we began to keep in touch through text messages. Suffice to say, we do not live within the immediate proximity of each other. I hoped that maybe it would progress into something, but I couldn’t tell for sure, then one evening after a playful and maybe mildly flirtatious text, she called. That was the next moment that felt significant. Perhaps this will turn into something. That I think is when the story that I’d already begun to tell myself began to solidify in my mind: This was was the story of how when I wasn’t looking for it, I had found the right person for me. Up until this point, it had felt like it was flowing pretty easily, maybe not as quickly as I’d prefer, but it was long distance, after all.

There were more messages, there were a couple more calls, some voice memos, etc. Things were starting to feel a bit ambiguous. On calls felt good and engaged. Replies to messages were nearly always prompt, but, engagement was often low, and threads often died fairly quickly. The ambiguity started to get to me and I wanted clarity, but I also didn’t want to push too hard and break whatever was happening. I preferred to continue to suffer in ambiguity if it meant I felt more assured of an eventual preferred outcome.

I decided the best way for clarity without coming on too strong was to plan a trip to where she lives, let her know I’d be there, and to invite her to come meet up while I would be there if she was free. I thought that surely, with the frequency of contact I was keeping with her that even though I was framing it in a low pressure way she would have to be able to tell I was interested in exploring things with her, and so when she agreed without hesitation I considered that a good sign. The trip was on, and I was going to get clarity – and I was pretty hopeful that clarity would be at least on the positive side of neutral.

The trip started off well, she was pretty communicative in messages and seemed excited as I was on my way there. After spending a bit of the morning on my own after my arrival, we met up for lunch and then did an activity I had planned on – something I actually did want to do but likely would not have gone up there to do if not for wanting to see her – and then generally did a lot of walking around before we were near to her place and it seemed like she might be wanting to call it. It had been an enjoyable day, but it hadn’t leaned romantic at all in the way I had hoped it might – perhaps the answer in itself, but I wasn’t ready to accept that yet. And in any case, it didn’t tell me NO interest, it only told me there wasn’t positive interest. So, I managed to convince her to hang out a bit longer and have a drink. We talked for a long while, but the content of the conversation seemed to be saying “no interest”. As disappointed as it made me, I kind of accepted it at least for that moment in time.

The next day we met up again for awhile and by the time I left between that day and thinking back on our earlier interactions I just really started to think that the way she acted FELT like she was interested but that something was holding her back. I guess I should say that part of the conversation the preceding night had been her talking about a belief that to her mind for a relationship to have potential romantic success she needs to have the feeling of love IMMEDIATELY, like an instant spark. And so this started to make sense to me, she does have some interest, but the spark wasn’t big enough and she has this internal rule that says no so she’s holding herself back. I didn’t want to end the trip on an awkward note and so since I was out of time I just decided to wait until I was back home to just be up front about it and take the risk.

I let a full day of rest in between just to let things breathe and because I was also kind of exhausted after the trip, and I sent a message saying how I felt. It was something I pondered over the wording of for awhile because it felt like it mattered. Unfortunately, the response I got felt dismissive, and essentially informed me that a lot of guys misread her. She didn’t directly say that I did, but, that was the implication. The other thing was, the reply came fast… like, just a few minutes after I sent it, and probably less than a minute from the time she saw it. It was clearly reactive and not thoughtful. Needless to say, both of those things hurt. I sent one message back hoping to prompt her to reply with more thought, but again I got a fast reactive reply.

I spent the rest of that day feeling pretty raw. I was really frustrated with her for being dismissive of my message, in which I had tried to succinctly tell her my experience of the preceding weeks and that I’d like to see how things developed, and for just kind of being flippant in her response, it made me feel like I didn’t matter to her at all, like, even as a friend. The next day was a little better, and then the next I found myself starting to read about Attachment Theory and making discoveries about both myself and her and why things happened like they did. As I started to understand her my irritation and frustration at her turned into empathy, because I don’t think the way she responded was really a choice that she made, it was an innate self-protection strategy. And the ways that what I could have done things but didn’t earlier in the story to try to get clarity weren’t not done because I chose not to do them, but because of my own innate self-protection strategy.

It’s still very new to me, but Attachment Theory is really interesting and revelatory to me of both my own self and other people. Like as I think through times in the past where people behaved in ways that were confusing to me I can see which attachment style they operate out of. The main ones are Secure (something like 50% of people), Anxious-Preoccupied (something like 20% of people, including me), and Avoidant (Something like 25% of people, including her). Secure attachment is essentially healthy attachment, the others aren’t pathological, but essentially are behavioral strategies to protect the person in the process of attachment. They are generally learned early in life, often in regard to relationships with parents, but there are other factors as well. Anxious-Preoccupied and Avoidant attachment styles serve a purpose when they are learned, but then when they are no longer needed they essentially start to do the wrong job really well and cause you strife. Then, in particular a Anxious-Preoccupied paired with an Avoidant gets into a push-pull dynamic that can be like the Anxious-Preoccupied person’s kryptonite. The Avoidant thrives in ambiguity, the Anxious person can’t stand it and starts to over-invest thinking it will bring clarity, and the Avoidant distances themselves from anything resembling obligation.

But, keep in mind, both the Anxious and the Avoidant WANT connection, but Anxious people obsess over it to the point they cause it harm and Avoidant people are wanting to avoid dependence and obligation, so if things start to deepen they create distance. Anxious Attachers are attachment-maximizers and Avoidant Attachers are attachment-minimizers. That dynamic explains why I felt connection – connection was there. But whereas I wanted to maximize it and push it forward, she wanted to minimize it and keep it contained. Unfortunately for myself in this instance, her innate attachment strategy is warmth and depth to create a moment of connection without structure for continuity. I respond to the warmth, depth, and intensity with an assumption that it is building a structure for continuity, and that mismatch is where things went awry. She could go deep, but she couldn’t stay. And I wanted her to stay.

This attachment framework has also been helping me sort out some past misfires, and sort of recognize things I’ve considered off interactions with friends, etc for what they are, which are basically just attachment strategies and coping mechanisms related to them. It’s also really helpful to understand that the way that I react to things isn’t super crazy and bizarre, but in fact a lot of people out there react the exact same way. And also that when people act in ways that seem strange to me that maybe it doesn’t mean some bad thing like I might assume, but just that they are acting in a manner that’s consistent with a lot of OTHER people, who don’t act in the way that I do.

Perhaps most importantly, I have a couple action items I can work on. First is to work on growth. Now that I recognize anxious attachment in myself, I can work on learning to change it toward secure attachment. The anxious tendencies actually make me kind of miserable and don’t serve me, so it’s (past) time to train myself out of them. And the second is, in the meantime, watch out for avoidants and DON’T let myself get drawn in by them – because that just creates misery for me. After some growth, I might be able to deal with them, but for now, those people just aren’t for me.

culture, politics

Thoughts on Kimmel

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Is this a free speech crisis?

Most people have a line for how far is too far when it comes to matters of speech. The line that the US government drew in 1969 was “incitement to imminent lawless action” (we usually say “incitement of violence”. It would be very rare to find someone who disagrees with the notion that this type of speech should be illegal, as qualifying speech would need for the speaker to intend to incite unlawful behavior, know or intend for it to happen imminently, and for the speech to be likely to produce that unlawful action. Most people agree that would be a bad thing to allow.

In the wake of Charlie Kirk’s assassination, free speech has come to the forefront of many peoples’ minds. People have lost their jobs for posting disgusting statements to social media, or for saying uncouth and/or untrue things on television. Many on the left accuse the right of engaging in “cancel culture,” an interesting accusation from those who claimed there was no such thing while doing it to the right. Jimmy Kimmel was the latest to face an interruption to his job (as I understand it, his show is indefinitely suspended, not officially ‘cancelled’ as of yet), after making a statement during his show. I want to take a look at this example in detail as since it happened its gotten a lot of attention, and I’ve noticed a lot of people expressing worry over free speech in America in light of this.

To begin, let’s talk about free speech. When we say free speech, we can be talking about one of two things. First, there is the first amendment right, what we might call the right to free speech, or free speech under the law. This would mean that the government cannot arrest or take legal action against you on the basis of your speech (barring the incitement exception mentioned above). Under the law, you are allowed to say whatever you want, no matter how wrong or gross it is. Second is what we might call a culture of free speech. This would be a culture that is open to the expression of ideas and dialogue, where people can say what they want without fear of reprisal from employers, co-workers, family, friends, acquaintances, etc. A free speech absolutist in this sense might say that someone should be able to say truly whatever they want and suffer no consequence as a result. That person is very rare, as nigh everyone has a line where at the least they personally would cut off contacts with a person who expressed an exceptionally depraved opinion.

So which of these types of free speech are we talking about here, or are we talking about both? For the most part, both the “cancel culture” of the last few years and the recent Kirk-related firings have been pretty clearly of the latter variety. Employers have chosen to fire their employees based on things they said which the employer does not approve of. In the vast majority of these cases, I don’t think anyone would argue these are violations of the right to free speech. However, in the case of Jimmy Kimmel, people do seem to feel that it is a violation, and so it might be worthwhile to take a look at exactly what is going on in this instance.

It was reported by multiple outlets on the evening of September 17 that Kimmel’s show was suspended indefinitely after he had made comments regarding the Kirk assassination the previous nights. On Tuesday night he said the following: “We hit some new lows over the weekend with the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterise this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them and doing everything they can to score political points from it.” While he made a few other comments on the preceding night, this one seems to be the heart of the matter. The next day after people were already in line waiting to be let in to be part of the live audience, Disney made the call to suspend the show indefinitely.

There were a few factors at play in the decision. To start, Nexstar Communications and Sinclain Broadcast Group, each of which own a number of ABC affiliate stations, announced they would be pulling Kimmel’s show from broadcast on their stations. It was shortly after Nexstar’s announcement that Disney announced the suspension. Additionally, Hollywood Reporter stated that advertiser calls also were beginning to come in. Between pulled ads and the show being dark on perhaps the majority of their affiliates anyway, they felt they needed to take action. The final player in this is the FCC, and I think this is what’s making people feel like this is a “right to free speech” issue. So, here is what happened. Brendan Carr appeared on Benny Johnson’s show and made a few statements that apply at least in part to Kimmel. The first was that there “is a very concerted effort to try to lie to the American people” about Kirk’s assassination and Kimmel’s statements played into that. He mentions that to maintain a broadcast license, stations need to be operating in the public interest. He says they can do it “the easy way or the hard way”, and that either stations can clean up their own act, or the FCC will need to get to work, and he specifically mentions Kimmel by name in that regard. The main thrust of Brendan Carr’s argument is that the intentional distortion of news is inappropriate for a broadcast television show, because it is against the public interest to do so. So if you feel this is a first amendment issue, this is the crux of it.

In terms of what actually happened, the FCC chairman indicated the FCC might take some sort of action. Following this and affiliates and advertisers pulling out, ABC dropped the show. Let’s suppose that this hadn’t happened, and the affiliates and advertisers stay on board and Disney tells the FCC chairman to stuff it. It’s all conjecture, but its easy to see a scenario play out where the FCC imposes some sort of fine or challenge to license renewal (Carr wasn’t clear on exactly what action they might take, but these are things the FCC has done in the past) due to public interest not being served. These actions would likely be challenged in court and maybe if established law is not clear enough, it could potentially have wound up at the Supreme Court level, and we’d get an official decision on whether or not it falls under first amendment protection. However, I don’t think it would get that far, because I don’t think the FCC could exist at all if this sort of thing is under first amendment protection. 

If you think that “serves the public interest” is a vague requirement that could easily be used to engage in censorship of speech, you’re not alone. There have been those who criticize the FCC’s regulatory powers as a form of censorship since it’s creation. So, it seems, the argument to be had here is whether or not the FCC should exist, as determining whether or not something is in the public interest is intrinsically in opposition to free speech, as a broadcaster would by definition not be allowed to say something on air that is against the public interest in the view of the FCC. Personally, I’d be all for abolishing the FCC, as it is just one of many government bodies that I really don’t think we need. You’re free to disagree of course, but if you do, I don’t think you can object to the situation with ABC and Jimmy Kimmel. If the FCC can legally exist, then definitionally there must be an exception to free speech in regard to broadcast speech that they discern to be outside/against the public interest. And the thing is, what Carr said wasn’t isolated to Kimmel’s show, it seems clear that while he had Kimmel in mind, he is seeing a broader issue that he believes the FCC should address. Whether that’s good or bad depends on your perspective I suppose, but I certainly don’t think this is new. The FCC has always had this power.

On some level in the very near future this is all going to be immaterial if it isn’t already. The FCC is a dinosaur, a creature of a bygone era that will soon exist only in our memory. Traditional television is hanging by a thread, and we’ve largely already moved on to internet-based media. The fact is, we’re no longer bound by limited broadcast frequencies that limit how many people can get their voice out there. Anyone with a camera, microphone, and an internet connection has the ability to “broadcast” their voice to anyone who wants to listen. And as it’s not taking place in those regulated airwaves, the FCC has no say. Nothing is stopping Jimmy Kimmel from starting his own independent show and broadcasting it on Youtube, or Rumble, or X, or some other platform, or even his own platform. There’s even a clear example of someone leaving broadcast news and becoming even more popular in Tucker Carlson. Ultimately, this could in theory be good for Jimmy Kimmel, but that all depends on whether or not there is an audience that actually wants to hear what he has to say.

There’s a bit from a Hollywood Reporter article that is deserving of comment to my mind. Here’s the quote:

‘But let’s take a close look at this section: “….the MAGA gang desperately trying to characterize this kid who murdered Charlie Kirk as anything other than one of them….” 

As part of a sentence, this is so blurry that your eyes cross trying to get it. Kimmel doesn’t actually say “this kid” was “one of them.” You could read it a different way: Robinson wasn’t MAGA, and therefore MAGA is out there trying to characterize him as something else. Or even: Who knows if Robinson was or wasn’t MAGA, either way MAGA is trying to score points based on his politics.’

This is the statement that Kimmel was actually being asked by his employer to apologize for, and allegedly this read is his “clarification” of what he was saying that he was going to offer, without apology. In my view, this explanation is obtuse, what he said had a very clear implication that the killer was indeed someone from the MAGA camp. You absolutely cannot read it the way the writer of that article claims you can read it, unless you are just willfully making the words mean something to you other than what they clearly mean. My “eyes cross” only when I try to “get” this bizarre alternative explanation. The simple truth is, whether or not he intended to say it (something no one can possibly know for certain), he did say it, and that is exactly why he should correct it and apologize for it, either as a lie or as a misstatement. 

My own position is nuanced. Insofar as his employer is suspending him for being unwilling to correct and apologize for the factually incorrect statement he made, I am completely in support of his suspension. It is hard for me to say that I think Kimmel’s right to free speech under the first amendment has been violated because he still has the right to say whatever he wants. He is not himself facing a government fine or imprisonment because of his speech, he was removed from his show at the decision of his employer perhaps in part because of some implied pressure from the government. No one has a right to have their speech broadcast on television, or if I do have that right I’d like to know who I talk to so that I can have my own TV show that I am evidently owed. I don’t think the FCC should have regulatory power or exist at all, but it does. That pressure is the only thing that makes this murky at all, and its hard to say whether or not this same outcome would have happened without it. In that case, it would be a clear question over cultural free speech.

Cultural free speech is a whole other matter, and one I am likely to write about in the near future.

culture, spiritual

Darkness

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Pull back from the darkness.

It’s so tempting to give into it, I know. It seems like the answer. Become a demon to defeat the demons.

But that way lies destruction. It’s the one ring. In destroying the evil, you will become the evil.

Remind yourself of that. Keep reminding yourself. Because if you forget, all is lost.

I’ve been waiting for my mind to clear since Wednesday… it’s still not fully clear. I got sucked into a Facebook argument for the first time in a long while and that didn’t really help. But I think I needed to say the thing that kicked it off. I don’t think just letting things go is working. Just let it go and keep the peace and then one day your friend cheers for your death… or at least justifies it for your murderer.

I wanted to wait also because at first I just felt rage. I felt the darkness pulling at me. And so I had to take a couple of days to pull out of it. To remind myself. And now I think I’m there. I think I can write something that might be helpful to someone.

I had been wanting to make a happier post about Kpop Demon Hunters, a movie that I never thought I would watch, and certainly never thought I would recommend. I don’t necessarily agree with every single element of the film – mainly there’s a bit of LGBT imagery, very subtle, but the filmmaker has confirmed that element. In my opinion, that’s the weakest bit of the story, tying into Rumi being half-demon. The movie unapologetically paints demons as being bad, the only one we’re led to have any sympathy for is a demonized human named Jinu. While the movie doesn’t expound on the nature of demons very much, it seems that demons are either DEMON demons or demonized humans. Since demons, and the demonic aspects of the demonized humans are clearly evil, some of what they do with Rumi (she’s half demon by birth, because her father was a demon (presumably a demonized human?) doesn’t really work. But I won’t get into it, because it doesn’t matter for my purposes, and I don’t want to give any big spoilers.

The movie is kind of a musical, there’s several songs and they all tie into the plot. If you haven’t seen it and want a total clean slate, stop reading, but there are only going to be what I consider to be very minor spoilers here. I’m going to share videos of 2 songs, because they’re directly relevant to what I want to talk about.

I guess I also should explain the basic premise of the movie. There’s a Kpop girl band called Huntrix, and the 3 ladies in it are a team of demon hunters. Essentially through their music they hold the demons at bay, barring them from our world – and sometimes they slash them up a bit with some sort of spiritual weapons should they get through. Gwi-Ma is sort of the king of demons, a Satan figure I suppose, and he sends Jinu and some other apparently demonized humans to form a Kpop boy band called the Saja Boys, and they’re what I’d consider the primary antagonists of the movie. So one of the songs I’ll share is from Huntrix, and the other the Saja Boys.

The first song is called Takedown. Here’s a link to the video, and I’ll reference some lyrics below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8Dr7vzMSVE

Like I said, I am going to keep the spoilers minor, and really only reference what I have to of the plot to make my point. When they’re writing this song, it’s controversial. Rumi feels uncomfortable with the lyrics because they’re full of hate.

“’Cause I see your real face and it’s ugly as sin
Time to put you in your place ’cause you’re rotten within
When your patterns start to show
It makes the hatred wanna grow outta my veins”

And if those words aren’t enough, we get this:

“A demon with no feelings, don’t deserve to live, it’s so obvious”

and

“I’ma cut you open, lose control, then rip out your heart
You’ll be beggin’ and cryin’, all of you dyin’”

Part of what makes this film as popular as it is is that the plot isn’t obviously explicitly about anything in the real world. You can look at the story and grasp on to points of meaning as they relate to you. That’s not to say that it has no message though, or that the message is totally relative. Because while I could apply the demons this song is talking about to the guy that murdered Charlie Kirk and the people that take joy in that; and you might apply the demons this song is talking about to be Donald Trump and MAGA, and I suppose me, the point of this song in the context of the film is that whoever you perceive the demons to be, hatred isn’t the right course of action. And in fact that hatred is going to be turned back against you to destroy you. I could get more explicit with the plot, but I think you should just watch it, and then you’ll understand. Like I said, it’s the ring. Maybe you’ll “win”, but in your victory you will become what you hate.

Now for song 2, this one is called “Your Idol”. I’ll probably quote most of the lyrics from this one, because what it’s talking about is really how the darkness gets in. To set the stage, as you’ll see when you watch the video, at this point the mask is off, they’re quite obviously demons, and the crowd is entranced. And let me tell you, at this point in time, there’s a lot of people entranced by demons with their masks off right now. The trouble is, when you’re entranced, you can’t see it.

https://youtu.be/cWppAbqm9I8?si=D4PXNJu85q9A70jj

“Keeping you in check, keeping you obsessed
Play me on repeat, endlessly in your head
Anytime it hurts, play another verse
I can be your sanctuary
Know I’m the only one right now
I will love you more when it all burns down
More than power, more than gold 
Yeah, you gavе me your heart, now I’m herе for your soul

I’m the only one who’ll love your sins
Feel the way my voice gets underneath your skin”

The biggest theme that runs through the film is the idea of shame, and that’s one of the key ways that demons control us. To quote St. Silouan the Athonite, “Understand two thoughts, and fear them. One says, “You are a saint,” and the other, “You won’t be saved.” Both of these thoughts are from the enemy, and there is no truth in them. But think this way: I am a great sinner, but the Lord is merciful. He loves people very much, and He will forgive my sins.”

How does this tie in to what I’ve been talking about? When you’re going after those demons, singing your takedown song, you’re thinking of yourself as a saint. And that’s what the demons will tell you. But then, as you give into the hate, as you become like them, eventually you’re going to have that aha moment and see what you’ve become, and then you’re going to feel shame. And that’s when their message turns into “no one could love you, God can’t save you, I’m all you have… ‘I’m the only one who’ll love your sins.’ Every word of it is a lie, but so often we believe it.

“Listen ’cause I’m preachin’ to the choir
Can I get the mic a little higher?
Gimme your desire
I can be the star you rely on (You rely on)
You’re lost in my daze, yeah, you can’t look away (Hey)
Don’t you know I’m here to save you?
Now we runnin’ wild
Yeah, I’m all you need, I’ma be your idol

…

Don’t let it show, keep it all inside
The pain and the shame, keep it outta sight
Your obsession feeds our connection
So right now give me all your attention”

There’s a lot to say here. Again, keep in mind these are demons, these are liars. It’s the darkness calling out on you. You can rely on me, don’t you know I’m here to save you? This is exactly how evil works, tricking us into thinking its good, tricking us into thinking its our way out. And then as we recognize our evil deeds, we become obsessed, thinking we can’t go back. It’s never too late to go back. It’s never too late to repent.

“Living in your mind now
Too late ’cause you’re mine now
I will make you free
When you’re all part of me
Listen ’cause I’m Preaching to the choir
Can I get the mic a little higher?
Gimme your desire
Watch me set your world on fire
You’re lost in my daze, yeah, you can’t look away
No one is coming to save you
Now we runnin’ wild
You’re down on your knees, I’ma be your idol”

Lies upon lies. You’re so far in there’s no turning back. “Too late, you’re mine now.” And then this is where the true despondency kicks in, when you realize the demon you’ve been listening to isn’t going to love you when the world burns down, it is itself what’s going to set the world on fire. It’s not going to save you, NO ONE is coming to save you – but that’s the final lie, because God still can.

Adding this is an edit, in hopes no one has read it yet. I forgot to say that another key theme of the film is isolation. The demons try to isolate you, to use the shame and fear to drive you apart. We have to connect. We have to stop seeing people as enemies. The truth is that you see demons where there are none, and if you even believe in actual demons, you’re probably completely unaware of them.

This is a really odd post, I recognize that, but I think it makes sense. It’s the most sense I can make of the world right now, anyway.

I don’t know the way out. God knows. But I do know the way to destruction, and that’s to run into the darkness, to embrace the demons.

Pull back from the brink.

Fly, you fools.

Flee the darkness, or it will consume you.

culture

Something Is Wrong

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Something is wrong.

Can you feel it?

It’s been this way for a long time now. Longer than either of us have been alive. Somewhere along the way the path was lost, yet the push forwarded persisted. No one wants to turn back, because to do so feels like regress. Yet, how does one reach their intended destination if they keep on walking in the wrong direction?

Perhaps I’m mistaken. Perhaps everything is fine. But then where does this sensation deep within me come from? And where does it come from in you? For I have no doubt you feel it too. Though this feeling is undeniable, it seems we should not be able to feel it at all – because even if something indeed is wrong, how should we know it, since it has been wrong ere we drew breath?

19th century German Protestant theologians posited that their society was the end of history. That is to say, they had reached the ultimate destination, the pinnacle of humanity. This Hegelian idea is something that C.S. Lewis referred to as chronological snobbery. From their perch at the end of (then current) time, they could rest assured knowing they knew better then those that came before, and not only did they know better, they were better. It’s a hubris we mostly share with them, for now we look back on them and think much the same about ourselves. Sure, they knew better than the people that came before them, but we know and are so much better than they were. Look at all we have accomplished.

Among the many things deeply ingrained in us by our culture, this is perhaps the strongest concept embedded in our psyche. Humanity gets better as we move forward in time. Stronger, bolder, smarter, more virtuous. After all, we can look into the past and see things like slavery. We’re better than that now. We can look back even more recently and see that computers that used to fill large rooms can now fit in our pockets, and are far more powerful to boot. It’s true, that we have come to see slavery as unthinkable is a great moral victory. It’s true also that our technology has greatly improved. But taking these two data points as indication that indeed humanity is on an unstoppable course toward betterment is a mistake.

Something is wrong… with us. With our society. With our culture.

You sit down at your computer, and you open a web browser. Perhaps you pull up the news from your favorite news feed, or perhaps you open X or BlueSky, or Facebook, or TikTok. You read or listen to a blurb about some defining issue of the day, Ukraine/Russia, Gaza/Israel, immigration, abortion, flag burning, Sydney Sweeney, or Cracker Barrel. You learn your opinion, because you must have an opinion on every single one of those things, and you have to express it loudly, because to not do so would in fact be an immoral act of omission. And then you hate. Particularly if it’s just a faceless name on your screen. Or maybe there’s a face, but it’s not one you know personally. They’re wrong, and not only that, they’re wicked. The same of course is true of the people you do know personally, but you try your best to mute such opinions from them so that you don’t have to think about it. Sure, you probably SHOULD cut that disgusting Trump/moronic Harris supporter out of your life, but you’ve been friends a long time, it would be a shame to end it.

But then there’s this: You walk around in your day to day and have casual encounters with people at work or in stores or at the park or gym, or wherever you go, and you don’t hate them. They’re perfectly kind to you, and you to them. They can often be quite lovely, even when sometimes you can just tell by looking at them and the way they’re dressed, that they’re of a particular political tribe… and it’s not the right one. If you had that conversation, there’d be no stopping the hate. This isn’t normal. And I know it isn’t normal because it’s a historical aberration. This sort of animosity between common people wasn’t a thing prior to Democratic Republics, and those are a very modern invention indeed. You might point to Rome, but it was a different sort of Democratic Republic, the philosophy underpinning modern Democracies hadn’t gotten there just yet. The prominence of the individual, a product of Enlightenment thinkers, was necessary to get us there.

We’ve traveled well down the road of individualism now. Looking out for yourself first is the wisdom of the day. Are you happy? That’s the most important thing. If you’re not happy, you should do the thing you think will make you happy. Leave your spouse, quit your job, get that cosmetic surgery. There’s no reason to be unhappy, if they really love you your family will understand. And God wouldn’t want you to be unhappy either. Really, you and your feelings are the most important thing. And so now we are individuals first, and part of our families and churches and societies second and third and fourth (or perhaps some other order, though you are most certainly at the forefront).

So maybe philosophy is part of why we’re here, and part of why things are wrong.

The other day I saw an article about some smart glasses. You put them on, and they are always recording, always listening and seeing. They were touted as a solution to make you smarter. When someone uses a complicated word you don’t understand it will display to you the definition. It will remember what they said ten minutes ago, or a week ago, and prompt you with the right thing to say to make reference to it. The article treated it like this is some kind of great advancement, but isn’t it fundamentally strange? Rather than you having a conversation the glasses are having it for you. It’s not hard to imagine a scenario where both participants in a conversation are wearing them, and they’re just passive conveyors of information for the two technological tools. It’s utterly unnatural.

It used to be when watching science fiction shows, when the inevitable plot involving an advanced alien race refusing to share their technology with humans surfaced, I would look at it and be frustrated. They needed that technology to save themselves from utter annihilation! But the truth is the technology itself would annihilate them even more surely and totally than the physical threat they were facing. At least they had a chance of defeating that, however slim the odds. In ancient writings like the Book of Enoch, there are explicit warnings about techne, technology as sort of a forbidden knowledge. Take this passage, from Enoch 8:1-2:

1 And Azazel taught men to make swords, and daggers, and shields, and
breastplates. And he showed them the things after these, and the art of
making them; bracelets, and ornaments, and the art of making up the
eyes, and of beautifying the eyelids, and the most precious stones, and
all kinds of coloured dyes. And the world was changed.

2 And there was great impiety, and much fornication, and they went astray, and all their ways became corrupt.

The Bible itself includes examples of techne. The first is the fruit in the garden. In Orthodox tradition, it is thought that man would eventually have reached a point when he would be ready to eat of the tree and gain the knowledge – the sin was in the refusal to wait for the proper time. The tower of Babel is another example. In that instance, man uses techne to try to lift himself up and defy God.

I could give countless examples of current technology that humanity is not ready for, but that we have now. What we call “AI” is one of them. Already people consider ChatGPT and Grok to be authoritative sources of information because they don’t understand how they actually work – that’s not helped by the choice to call them AI when they are nothing of the sort. Social media is not something our brains can handle. The internet as a whole seems to much for us. There’s too much demanding our attention too much of the time and we can’t focus on anything.

And so it seems technology is another part of what is wrong.

It’s not all bad mind you, there does seem to be a connection between a philosophy of individualism and the elimination of slavery. Without technological advancements I probably couldn’t communicate this to you (but would I need to?), and certainly not in this manner. But more people would die of disease and heat or cold or starvation or countless other things that technology is able to prevent. But we’ve also lost a great deal. So much beauty and culture has been lost, species have been destroyed, and ways of life eradicated. To quote Paul Kingsnorth, “The sweep of history is the story of worlds dying, after all.”

There is a tension here. We shouldn’t throw it all away, but we do need to look back, we do need to backtrack and find a way back to a proper course, and we do need to be intentional about how we are interacting in this very strange reality, because we can’t keep living this way.

Something is wrong, and if we don’t fix it, we are doomed.

health, personal

Orthodox Small Groups (And also a running update)

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Tomorrow will be the 2nd weekly meeting of a small fellowship group I’ve been trying to get started at my church. I was encouraged that a few folks came on the first night and am hopeful for at least the same number or perhaps more tomorrow.

I’m keeping it extremely casual and freeform for the moment just sort of talking about whatever folks want to talk about. The main goal is just for more frequent fellowship and getting to know each other better, and I think that is something that we accomplished last week.

It’s strange to me that small groups like this seem to be uncommon in the Orthodox world, as virutally every church I was ever a part of in the Protestant world had such things. It’s not surprising that these sorts of groups might would look a bit different in Orthodoxy, but the total lack does seem strange. But I’m glad to be trying it out in our community, and initial feelings are that I think it’s going to be a success. We’ll see where we are in a few more weeks, and months.

As for running, I went ahead today and signed up for a 5K event, the first one I’ve been signed up for in a good while. It’ll be on April 14th, so, just a couple weeks away.

I decided I’d sign up because I have started to be able to hit the full 5K on my runs without having to resort to walking a few times now, so I figure in another couple of weeks I should be able to count on making that happen. So far, so good there. Once it’s complete I’ll either pick a 2nd 5K, or a 10K, or maybe both, as the next step. I also will likely be getting myself to go back to Soldierfit instead of simply donating my money to them as I have been for awhile now… 😉 I wanted to start running first and then start fitting that in as well, and I’m close to having the running habit down well enough that I can expand my efforts.

health, personal, politics

Successful 5Ks and Dumb Talking Points

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After returning home today from a conference in DC, I let the dogs out (yes, it was me who did that) and then immediately got ready to go for a run as it was already well passed the time I normally get home from work. It needed to happen today, as I’ve got church tomorrow evening and fitting in a run would be extraordinarily difficult (note that I don’t do morning runs – maybe one day, for now, getting out of bed when I need to for work is triumphant enough).

My last run on Sunday afternoon had been a bit of a bummer for me. Following the run where I’d felt like I maybe could have hit 5K without any breaks if I’d pushed myself really, really hard, I went into it with hopes that maybe it would be the one. Alas, it was not. Pretty early into the run I started to feel like I just had no energy in my legs, and I was walking somewhere around the 1.4 mile mark. I continued to try to jog when I could, but there was a lot of walking in the remainder of the 5K. So, it was a bit disheartening.

Today, on the other hand, was the total opposite. I started off my jog and it was feeling pretty good – well, it was also feeling pretty cold as the temperature has dropped quite a bit since Sunday. During my 2nd lap around the lake where I’ve been doing my runs, I decided to just take a peek at my fitbit to make sure it was tracking everything OK and then try to not look at it at all until I was basically done. I was just over a mile in at that point. I kept going, and, well, I completed the distance without having to walk at all. Add to that, it’s the first run since I’ve started again where I was feeling really good and sort of in the zone when I reached the end of the run.

There were a few things that were different today than on Sunday. As I’d mentioned, the temperature, it was much cooler today. I did it later in the day, and I’d definitely had more to eat prior to the run than I had on Sunday. As the amount of rest my legs had prior to each run wasn’t really meaningfully different, I don’t think that had anything to do with it, and so really I surmise that probably the issue on Sunday was a lack of food resulting in feeling like I had no energy. So, I’ll try to avoid that moving forward. Next, once I’m able to get several of these jogs done in a row with no walking (this could be a fluke and my next run I’ll have to walk again after all), I’ll start to actively try to increase my speed to bring my time down under 30 minutes – it was 33:51 today.

Anyway, the conference I was at in DC was related to Information Security, particularly as it applies to government. It was worthwhile and informative, and a nice change of pace from the daily drudgery of my job, but I was surprised how partisan they came off when they were talking about infosec as it relates to the upcoming elections. The phrase “Democracy is on the ballot” was uttered from the stage, which earned an internal groan and a hard eye roll from me. That phrase is nothing but a DNC talking point to try to scare their base into voting so that Biden will win. I can’t say if anyone SERIOUSLY believes that if Trump wins the election that he will refuse to ever leave office again, but I know that’s the message the DNC pushes, and it’s the message most of the corporate press pushes, and it’s the only possible meaning of that asinine talking point.

If someone does seriously believe that, they’ve not possibly considered the facts on the table. Donald Trump was elected in 2016. He ran again in 2020, and it was determined that he lost. Whether anyone thinks anything sketchy happened or not is immaterial on this point. Donald Trump has said and I believe continues to say that it was unfair and he shouldn’t have lost, but the important bit is this: Donald Trump left office and Joe Biden is the sitting President. In the only way that actually matters, Donald Trump conceded the election, and there is no reason to believe he would not leave office again at the end of a 2nd term. To believe otherwise is to engage in fantasy.

TLDR: Whichever candidate wins, American Democracy will continue.

Ok, 5K celebration and venting about a statement that annoyed me over.

personal

Tiny Smartphones

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One of the things that was interesting at the men’s retreat was that it sort of self-selected for a group of people that are interested in sort of… minimalist cell phone choice. Just in those who I interacted with where the subject happened to come up, there were are least 2 guys who were rocking flip phones, a few using the Lite Phone, and, I think at least one other similar phone. You don’t come across those very often just day to day (or at least I don’t).

I had tried a flip phone awhile back and I couldn’t do it – could be I chose poorly, but it was just way to hard to find information in old texts – plus not being able to use certain loyalty apps etc was a bit of a bummer (though I’d have dealt with that ok if not for the text thing).

I replaced that with a phone from Unihertz called the Jelly Star (if you google that, you can see what it is). I really love the phone – it’s awkward to talk on apart from using speakerphone or a headset because of the fact that it is so small, but honestly I send messages via typing way more than I actually use it as a phone. The typing is a bit awkward too, it’s a very small keyboard on the screen and so using the swipe feature is imperative. It’s not TOO annoying most of the time. And, it’s super easy to carry around, play music on, etc. Every now and again it does get super slow and need a reboot, but I’ve been using it long enough now to know I’m sticking with it till it stops working – and then I’ll probably get a newer version of it, or else something similar.

Another great thing about it – the reactions that you get from people when they see it. For instance, at Sheetz yesterday morning I held it out to the guy so he could scan the QR code in my loyalty app, and it just sort of broke his brain – he didn’t know what to do and jsut ask “what is that?” It’s funny to me to see that reaction. You also just get comments like “oh wow that’s a really small phone” – some sort of comment happens most of the time. But there’s nothing better than those moments when someone can’t even comprehend what they’re looking at.

It’s interesting that the way people think of phone has changed so much though, because back in the 00’s, pre-iPhone, small phones were where it was at, everybody wanted the smallest phone they could get. It didn’t confuse them why your phone would be so small, they’d just see if and love it. Now everything is basically an iPhone and relatively the same size and shape, etc. Anything that isn’t that is just kind of weird.

Anyway, I highly recommend it. If you get yourself one of these minimalist phones, you’ll break that terrible mindless phone usage habit you probably have, and as a bonus when strangers see your weird phone you can see their reactions to it. I find it entertaining, anyway.

health, personal

Solo Running (Actually, Jogging (Ackchyually, Jogging+Walking))

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I’m trying to get back into running again. Last year wasn’t particularly great for me in regard to fitness. I let some stuff sort of throw me off course and I started this year in not the greatest place physically. So, I’m trying to get that going and reign in the eating which I have a tendency to let get a little out of control. Lent will also help with that, as, it gives me an additional reason to reduce food intake.

Back in 2011, I decided I was going to run a marathon. I had never done particularly long distance running before – I had taken up running around campus when I was at college, but at most those might have been 5k runs. It was right after Easter when I decided to do it, late April. And so I started with Couch-to-5K and between then and December built up to running the Rehoboth Seashore Marathon. I don’t really look or feel like a person who completed a marathon now, and I mean hey, it was 13 years ago at this point, but I’m really typing out this story to remind myself that I did it, and I went from a person who had never run more than 5k at a time to someone that completed a Marathon in 4:18:58 in about 8 months.

I’m older now than I was then, and so maybe it will be harder, and maybe it will take more than 8 months, but I can get there again. I want to get there again. And then I want to stick with it. That’s the problem I seem to face with the whole diet and fitness thing, maintaining it long term. Some of that just has to do with getting discouraged by other matters in life – I definitely am a person who turns to food as a panacea. But I don’t want to get to in depth in regard to that here.

But for now, this is where I am at: Working my way toward being able to run 5K without stopping. So far I’ve done 4 runs this year. This was the first week where I did 2 in the same week (the last couple weeks the travel to retreats resulted in me not doing any other runs on those weeks), and tomorrow I will do a 3rd run for the week. Then that will be the goal for the next little while, 3 runs a week. Now, as you may surmise from the title of this post, I say the word run, but a real runner would probably use the word “jog” to describe what I do. I also for the last several years have had a rule that I will never do less than 5K when I go for a “run”. Now, if it’s been awhile since I’ve done any running (and this time was probably the longest I’ve gone without since I began to prep for that marathon) then I may not be able to actually run all of the 5K. And that’s fine, I can’t make myself be physically capable of doing something that I’m not at this precise moment. But, I run/jog what I can, and I walk the rest. I’ve thus far been improving with each subsequent run, and I look forward to the first time I’m able to do the whole thing without slowing down – it’s going to feel like a big accomplishment.

Once I get there, I’m going to think about setting a timetable on making a marathon happen again. I’ll sign up for a couple 5K’s, a 10K, a half-marathon… but I’m getting ahead of myself. This is what I want to do. One of the things I want to do this year. So, here’s hoping I can remain inspired… or dedicated enough to persevere if inspiration fades. Prayers that this may be the case are appreciated.

personal, spiritual

Orthodox Men’s Retreats

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Here we are again to reflect on a retreat for neither the first or the last time. Though, it is the first time I’m reflecting specifically on an Orthodox Christian Men’s retreat. I feel like this was a thing that I needed to experience but didn’t really even realize that I needed to experience it until after it happened.

First I must say I am very thankful to two different Michaels that I was able to attend at all – I met Michael Mason through the singles retreat the week before, and he let me know about a ticket that was available through Michael Baclig, who was heading up the retreat. I quickly made the decision that I would try to attend and was able to get off work and make necessary arrangements. My decision to go was also influenced by the fact that Fr. Stephen De Young was on the schedule, and so I am thankful that he was going as well, because I might not have been able to convince myself I wanted to make a 10 hour drive otherwise. I’ve been listening to Lord of Spirits from the beginning, and while I’d met Fr Andrew several times, I’d never seen Fr. Stephen prior, so it seemed like a good opportunity. I’m glad for that because while I wasn’t familiar with the other speakers, I was very grateful to be introduced to them.

I found the talks all to be very valuable, and it really connected in with some of my goals for the immediate future. Recently I’ve been really trying to think of ways to build community in my parish, and between the talks and conversations with other attendees, I got so many ideas for this. I really appreciated Fr Stephen’s analogy to how one goes to sleep: “lay down and pretend like you’re asleep until you’re actually asleep”. That solidified in my head what I plan to do for the small group I’ll be leading starting next week. I’ve got a few people that are lined up to attend, but I’ve told all of them: hey, I’m going to be there no matter what. If no one else shows up, I’ll sit there alone and read a book for an hour, but if even a single other person shows up we’re going to have some fellowship and conversation.

For my personal life, in the realm of what I’m willing to share publicly, thinking about the types of work that we do and the relative fulfillment from them further confirmed for me that I really need to focus on creative endeavors this year. My job is fine, but I don’t really find it fulfilling – the most that there is that I can point to and say “I did that” is something like “well, there are fewer vulnerabilities on these computers than there were when I scanned them last time” or “hey, it’s been another week with no ransomware attack!” It’s time that I got disciplined about my desire for storytelling and actually completed a writing project. That’s part of the reason I’ve committed to the reading goals I did for the year – If I’m immersed in reading, it will help in writing.

If I have any criticism of the event, it is only that it was perhaps too structured. There was always something that you should be doing. I don’t think it should be loosened up too much, but a little more breathing room throughout the day would have been nice. It was a great event though, I was so glad that I went.

personal, spiritual

Orthodox Singles Retreats

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It’s now the second day after the first ever Ancient Faith Orthodox Christian Singles retreat, and I thought perhaps I’d turn to my poor, neglected blog to do some reflection on what transpired there from my own perspective. So here it comes: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. (There’s no ugly… well, except perhaps for myself).

Overall it was a really good experience. I had the opportunity to meet and speak with a lot of people. Everyone was very friendly. I met some people that I really hope will become long term friends and not just people that exist on my Facebook timeline. Only time can tell that, really. Also I got some contact info from a few of the ladies that maybe/hopefully could lead to something down the road – no sparks flew right off the bat for me, but as I get to know them better I hope to at least develop a friendship and I’m open/hopeful for one of those friendships to develop into something more.

Going into this retreat I was very cognizant of trying to manage my expectations, and to keep them as low as possible. Of course, hope springs eternal, and keeping the idea that maybe this will be the time that everything I’ve wanted for years suddenly comes to fruition completely out of mind and subdued is something that is nigh impossible. That said, I successfully negotiated myself down to “if I leave this with a greater sense of Orthodox community, it will have been a success.” I do think that is achieved. Since coming home, I have been in touch with a few folks from the retreat, and it is my hope that it continues. In a certain sense, it is too early to call, as this may be a short-lived post-retreat reality and a month or two from now I’ll be completely out of contact with all of those people, but it is my hope and prayer that is not the case.

Aside from that, I was surprised at the spiritual renewal I experienced as part of the retreat. I feel like something clicked in me and I have an understanding I didn’t possess before. It’s something that would be difficult to put into words, because it is all based on things I had heard a million times before, and I don’t think the intellectual understanding has really changed – it feels more like a change in my spirit. I’ve struggled a very long time with periods of despondency, and it has caused other setbacks and strife in my life. Despondency breeds despondency. It’s part of the reason why as much as I looked forward to this retreat I dreaded an outcome that was negative and substantially less than what I had an expectation for. It’s why I tried so hard to mitigate my expectations beforehand. I didn’t want to leave the retreat, and come home, and feel the dread of despondency.

That fear was very real for me, as my previous experience at the Antiochian Village had ended that way. I enjoyed my time at Adult Camp in 2022 (for the most part), but the reality is that when I came home I felt miserable and was immersed in feelings of despair. I hadn’t found anything close to what I was looking for. Even the small handful of people I initially had a small amount of communication with quickly fell off the map. I had a real spiritual struggle, and while I felt like in some ways I worked my way through some inner turmoil, by and large it felt like a spiritual regression in the weeks and months following. None of this is the fault of anyone at Antiochian Village, it was all part of my personal struggles, and some interactions with some of the campers there – or at least my perception of those interactions.

So far, the aftermath in my personal life of these two events is markedly different, and I hope that it remains so. As this will be posted to Facebook, many of the retreat attendees will have access to read it, though, who knows whether or not they will. My general assumption is that no one reads any of these, ever. When I write here, it is for myself, though of course I don’t write anything I’m not comfortable with being public knowledge. If any of you do find your way here, please feel free to share your own experience, whether in the Facebook comments or the comments here on this WordPress blog.

I hope that others experienced the same sort of change that I did, and left with a sense of peace and hope rather than despair.