culture, spiritual

Darkness

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Pull back from the darkness.

It’s so tempting to give into it, I know. It seems like the answer. Become a demon to defeat the demons.

But that way lies destruction. It’s the one ring. In destroying the evil, you will become the evil.

Remind yourself of that. Keep reminding yourself. Because if you forget, all is lost.

I’ve been waiting for my mind to clear since Wednesday… it’s still not fully clear. I got sucked into a Facebook argument for the first time in a long while and that didn’t really help. But I think I needed to say the thing that kicked it off. I don’t think just letting things go is working. Just let it go and keep the peace and then one day your friend cheers for your death… or at least justifies it for your murderer.

I wanted to wait also because at first I just felt rage. I felt the darkness pulling at me. And so I had to take a couple of days to pull out of it. To remind myself. And now I think I’m there. I think I can write something that might be helpful to someone.

I had been wanting to make a happier post about Kpop Demon Hunters, a movie that I never thought I would watch, and certainly never thought I would recommend. I don’t necessarily agree with every single element of the film – mainly there’s a bit of LGBT imagery, very subtle, but the filmmaker has confirmed that element. In my opinion, that’s the weakest bit of the story, tying into Rumi being half-demon. The movie unapologetically paints demons as being bad, the only one we’re led to have any sympathy for is a demonized human named Jinu. While the movie doesn’t expound on the nature of demons very much, it seems that demons are either DEMON demons or demonized humans. Since demons, and the demonic aspects of the demonized humans are clearly evil, some of what they do with Rumi (she’s half demon by birth, because her father was a demon (presumably a demonized human?) doesn’t really work. But I won’t get into it, because it doesn’t matter for my purposes, and I don’t want to give any big spoilers.

The movie is kind of a musical, there’s several songs and they all tie into the plot. If you haven’t seen it and want a total clean slate, stop reading, but there are only going to be what I consider to be very minor spoilers here. I’m going to share videos of 2 songs, because they’re directly relevant to what I want to talk about.

I guess I also should explain the basic premise of the movie. There’s a Kpop girl band called Huntrix, and the 3 ladies in it are a team of demon hunters. Essentially through their music they hold the demons at bay, barring them from our world – and sometimes they slash them up a bit with some sort of spiritual weapons should they get through. Gwi-Ma is sort of the king of demons, a Satan figure I suppose, and he sends Jinu and some other apparently demonized humans to form a Kpop boy band called the Saja Boys, and they’re what I’d consider the primary antagonists of the movie. So one of the songs I’ll share is from Huntrix, and the other the Saja Boys.

The first song is called Takedown. Here’s a link to the video, and I’ll reference some lyrics below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8Dr7vzMSVE

Like I said, I am going to keep the spoilers minor, and really only reference what I have to of the plot to make my point. When they’re writing this song, it’s controversial. Rumi feels uncomfortable with the lyrics because they’re full of hate.

“’Cause I see your real face and it’s ugly as sin
Time to put you in your place ’cause you’re rotten within
When your patterns start to show
It makes the hatred wanna grow outta my veins”

And if those words aren’t enough, we get this:

“A demon with no feelings, don’t deserve to live, it’s so obvious”

and

“I’ma cut you open, lose control, then rip out your heart
You’ll be beggin’ and cryin’, all of you dyin’”

Part of what makes this film as popular as it is is that the plot isn’t obviously explicitly about anything in the real world. You can look at the story and grasp on to points of meaning as they relate to you. That’s not to say that it has no message though, or that the message is totally relative. Because while I could apply the demons this song is talking about to the guy that murdered Charlie Kirk and the people that take joy in that; and you might apply the demons this song is talking about to be Donald Trump and MAGA, and I suppose me, the point of this song in the context of the film is that whoever you perceive the demons to be, hatred isn’t the right course of action. And in fact that hatred is going to be turned back against you to destroy you. I could get more explicit with the plot, but I think you should just watch it, and then you’ll understand. Like I said, it’s the ring. Maybe you’ll “win”, but in your victory you will become what you hate.

Now for song 2, this one is called “Your Idol”. I’ll probably quote most of the lyrics from this one, because what it’s talking about is really how the darkness gets in. To set the stage, as you’ll see when you watch the video, at this point the mask is off, they’re quite obviously demons, and the crowd is entranced. And let me tell you, at this point in time, there’s a lot of people entranced by demons with their masks off right now. The trouble is, when you’re entranced, you can’t see it.

https://youtu.be/cWppAbqm9I8?si=D4PXNJu85q9A70jj

“Keeping you in check, keeping you obsessed
Play me on repeat, endlessly in your head
Anytime it hurts, play another verse
I can be your sanctuary
Know I’m the only one right now
I will love you more when it all burns down
More than power, more than gold 
Yeah, you gavе me your heart, now I’m herе for your soul

I’m the only one who’ll love your sins
Feel the way my voice gets underneath your skin”

The biggest theme that runs through the film is the idea of shame, and that’s one of the key ways that demons control us. To quote St. Silouan the Athonite, “Understand two thoughts, and fear them. One says, “You are a saint,” and the other, “You won’t be saved.” Both of these thoughts are from the enemy, and there is no truth in them. But think this way: I am a great sinner, but the Lord is merciful. He loves people very much, and He will forgive my sins.”

How does this tie in to what I’ve been talking about? When you’re going after those demons, singing your takedown song, you’re thinking of yourself as a saint. And that’s what the demons will tell you. But then, as you give into the hate, as you become like them, eventually you’re going to have that aha moment and see what you’ve become, and then you’re going to feel shame. And that’s when their message turns into “no one could love you, God can’t save you, I’m all you have… ‘I’m the only one who’ll love your sins.’ Every word of it is a lie, but so often we believe it.

“Listen ’cause I’m preachin’ to the choir
Can I get the mic a little higher?
Gimme your desire
I can be the star you rely on (You rely on)
You’re lost in my daze, yeah, you can’t look away (Hey)
Don’t you know I’m here to save you?
Now we runnin’ wild
Yeah, I’m all you need, I’ma be your idol

…

Don’t let it show, keep it all inside
The pain and the shame, keep it outta sight
Your obsession feeds our connection
So right now give me all your attention”

There’s a lot to say here. Again, keep in mind these are demons, these are liars. It’s the darkness calling out on you. You can rely on me, don’t you know I’m here to save you? This is exactly how evil works, tricking us into thinking its good, tricking us into thinking its our way out. And then as we recognize our evil deeds, we become obsessed, thinking we can’t go back. It’s never too late to go back. It’s never too late to repent.

“Living in your mind now
Too late ’cause you’re mine now
I will make you free
When you’re all part of me
Listen ’cause I’m Preaching to the choir
Can I get the mic a little higher?
Gimme your desire
Watch me set your world on fire
You’re lost in my daze, yeah, you can’t look away
No one is coming to save you
Now we runnin’ wild
You’re down on your knees, I’ma be your idol”

Lies upon lies. You’re so far in there’s no turning back. “Too late, you’re mine now.” And then this is where the true despondency kicks in, when you realize the demon you’ve been listening to isn’t going to love you when the world burns down, it is itself what’s going to set the world on fire. It’s not going to save you, NO ONE is coming to save you – but that’s the final lie, because God still can.

Adding this is an edit, in hopes no one has read it yet. I forgot to say that another key theme of the film is isolation. The demons try to isolate you, to use the shame and fear to drive you apart. We have to connect. We have to stop seeing people as enemies. The truth is that you see demons where there are none, and if you even believe in actual demons, you’re probably completely unaware of them.

This is a really odd post, I recognize that, but I think it makes sense. It’s the most sense I can make of the world right now, anyway.

I don’t know the way out. God knows. But I do know the way to destruction, and that’s to run into the darkness, to embrace the demons.

Pull back from the brink.

Fly, you fools.

Flee the darkness, or it will consume you.

culture

Something Is Wrong

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Something is wrong.

Can you feel it?

It’s been this way for a long time now. Longer than either of us have been alive. Somewhere along the way the path was lost, yet the push forwarded persisted. No one wants to turn back, because to do so feels like regress. Yet, how does one reach their intended destination if they keep on walking in the wrong direction?

Perhaps I’m mistaken. Perhaps everything is fine. But then where does this sensation deep within me come from? And where does it come from in you? For I have no doubt you feel it too. Though this feeling is undeniable, it seems we should not be able to feel it at all – because even if something indeed is wrong, how should we know it, since it has been wrong ere we drew breath?

19th century German Protestant theologians posited that their society was the end of history. That is to say, they had reached the ultimate destination, the pinnacle of humanity. This Hegelian idea is something that C.S. Lewis referred to as chronological snobbery. From their perch at the end of (then current) time, they could rest assured knowing they knew better then those that came before, and not only did they know better, they were better. It’s a hubris we mostly share with them, for now we look back on them and think much the same about ourselves. Sure, they knew better than the people that came before them, but we know and are so much better than they were. Look at all we have accomplished.

Among the many things deeply ingrained in us by our culture, this is perhaps the strongest concept embedded in our psyche. Humanity gets better as we move forward in time. Stronger, bolder, smarter, more virtuous. After all, we can look into the past and see things like slavery. We’re better than that now. We can look back even more recently and see that computers that used to fill large rooms can now fit in our pockets, and are far more powerful to boot. It’s true, that we have come to see slavery as unthinkable is a great moral victory. It’s true also that our technology has greatly improved. But taking these two data points as indication that indeed humanity is on an unstoppable course toward betterment is a mistake.

Something is wrong… with us. With our society. With our culture.

You sit down at your computer, and you open a web browser. Perhaps you pull up the news from your favorite news feed, or perhaps you open X or BlueSky, or Facebook, or TikTok. You read or listen to a blurb about some defining issue of the day, Ukraine/Russia, Gaza/Israel, immigration, abortion, flag burning, Sydney Sweeney, or Cracker Barrel. You learn your opinion, because you must have an opinion on every single one of those things, and you have to express it loudly, because to not do so would in fact be an immoral act of omission. And then you hate. Particularly if it’s just a faceless name on your screen. Or maybe there’s a face, but it’s not one you know personally. They’re wrong, and not only that, they’re wicked. The same of course is true of the people you do know personally, but you try your best to mute such opinions from them so that you don’t have to think about it. Sure, you probably SHOULD cut that disgusting Trump/moronic Harris supporter out of your life, but you’ve been friends a long time, it would be a shame to end it.

But then there’s this: You walk around in your day to day and have casual encounters with people at work or in stores or at the park or gym, or wherever you go, and you don’t hate them. They’re perfectly kind to you, and you to them. They can often be quite lovely, even when sometimes you can just tell by looking at them and the way they’re dressed, that they’re of a particular political tribe… and it’s not the right one. If you had that conversation, there’d be no stopping the hate. This isn’t normal. And I know it isn’t normal because it’s a historical aberration. This sort of animosity between common people wasn’t a thing prior to Democratic Republics, and those are a very modern invention indeed. You might point to Rome, but it was a different sort of Democratic Republic, the philosophy underpinning modern Democracies hadn’t gotten there just yet. The prominence of the individual, a product of Enlightenment thinkers, was necessary to get us there.

We’ve traveled well down the road of individualism now. Looking out for yourself first is the wisdom of the day. Are you happy? That’s the most important thing. If you’re not happy, you should do the thing you think will make you happy. Leave your spouse, quit your job, get that cosmetic surgery. There’s no reason to be unhappy, if they really love you your family will understand. And God wouldn’t want you to be unhappy either. Really, you and your feelings are the most important thing. And so now we are individuals first, and part of our families and churches and societies second and third and fourth (or perhaps some other order, though you are most certainly at the forefront).

So maybe philosophy is part of why we’re here, and part of why things are wrong.

The other day I saw an article about some smart glasses. You put them on, and they are always recording, always listening and seeing. They were touted as a solution to make you smarter. When someone uses a complicated word you don’t understand it will display to you the definition. It will remember what they said ten minutes ago, or a week ago, and prompt you with the right thing to say to make reference to it. The article treated it like this is some kind of great advancement, but isn’t it fundamentally strange? Rather than you having a conversation the glasses are having it for you. It’s not hard to imagine a scenario where both participants in a conversation are wearing them, and they’re just passive conveyors of information for the two technological tools. It’s utterly unnatural.

It used to be when watching science fiction shows, when the inevitable plot involving an advanced alien race refusing to share their technology with humans surfaced, I would look at it and be frustrated. They needed that technology to save themselves from utter annihilation! But the truth is the technology itself would annihilate them even more surely and totally than the physical threat they were facing. At least they had a chance of defeating that, however slim the odds. In ancient writings like the Book of Enoch, there are explicit warnings about techne, technology as sort of a forbidden knowledge. Take this passage, from Enoch 8:1-2:

1 And Azazel taught men to make swords, and daggers, and shields, and
breastplates. And he showed them the things after these, and the art of
making them; bracelets, and ornaments, and the art of making up the
eyes, and of beautifying the eyelids, and the most precious stones, and
all kinds of coloured dyes. And the world was changed.

2 And there was great impiety, and much fornication, and they went astray, and all their ways became corrupt.

The Bible itself includes examples of techne. The first is the fruit in the garden. In Orthodox tradition, it is thought that man would eventually have reached a point when he would be ready to eat of the tree and gain the knowledge – the sin was in the refusal to wait for the proper time. The tower of Babel is another example. In that instance, man uses techne to try to lift himself up and defy God.

I could give countless examples of current technology that humanity is not ready for, but that we have now. What we call “AI” is one of them. Already people consider ChatGPT and Grok to be authoritative sources of information because they don’t understand how they actually work – that’s not helped by the choice to call them AI when they are nothing of the sort. Social media is not something our brains can handle. The internet as a whole seems to much for us. There’s too much demanding our attention too much of the time and we can’t focus on anything.

And so it seems technology is another part of what is wrong.

It’s not all bad mind you, there does seem to be a connection between a philosophy of individualism and the elimination of slavery. Without technological advancements I probably couldn’t communicate this to you (but would I need to?), and certainly not in this manner. But more people would die of disease and heat or cold or starvation or countless other things that technology is able to prevent. But we’ve also lost a great deal. So much beauty and culture has been lost, species have been destroyed, and ways of life eradicated. To quote Paul Kingsnorth, “The sweep of history is the story of worlds dying, after all.”

There is a tension here. We shouldn’t throw it all away, but we do need to look back, we do need to backtrack and find a way back to a proper course, and we do need to be intentional about how we are interacting in this very strange reality, because we can’t keep living this way.

Something is wrong, and if we don’t fix it, we are doomed.

health, personal

Orthodox Small Groups (And also a running update)

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Tomorrow will be the 2nd weekly meeting of a small fellowship group I’ve been trying to get started at my church. I was encouraged that a few folks came on the first night and am hopeful for at least the same number or perhaps more tomorrow.

I’m keeping it extremely casual and freeform for the moment just sort of talking about whatever folks want to talk about. The main goal is just for more frequent fellowship and getting to know each other better, and I think that is something that we accomplished last week.

It’s strange to me that small groups like this seem to be uncommon in the Orthodox world, as virutally every church I was ever a part of in the Protestant world had such things. It’s not surprising that these sorts of groups might would look a bit different in Orthodoxy, but the total lack does seem strange. But I’m glad to be trying it out in our community, and initial feelings are that I think it’s going to be a success. We’ll see where we are in a few more weeks, and months.

As for running, I went ahead today and signed up for a 5K event, the first one I’ve been signed up for in a good while. It’ll be on April 14th, so, just a couple weeks away.

I decided I’d sign up because I have started to be able to hit the full 5K on my runs without having to resort to walking a few times now, so I figure in another couple of weeks I should be able to count on making that happen. So far, so good there. Once it’s complete I’ll either pick a 2nd 5K, or a 10K, or maybe both, as the next step. I also will likely be getting myself to go back to Soldierfit instead of simply donating my money to them as I have been for awhile now… 😉 I wanted to start running first and then start fitting that in as well, and I’m close to having the running habit down well enough that I can expand my efforts.

health, personal, politics

Successful 5Ks and Dumb Talking Points

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After returning home today from a conference in DC, I let the dogs out (yes, it was me who did that) and then immediately got ready to go for a run as it was already well passed the time I normally get home from work. It needed to happen today, as I’ve got church tomorrow evening and fitting in a run would be extraordinarily difficult (note that I don’t do morning runs – maybe one day, for now, getting out of bed when I need to for work is triumphant enough).

My last run on Sunday afternoon had been a bit of a bummer for me. Following the run where I’d felt like I maybe could have hit 5K without any breaks if I’d pushed myself really, really hard, I went into it with hopes that maybe it would be the one. Alas, it was not. Pretty early into the run I started to feel like I just had no energy in my legs, and I was walking somewhere around the 1.4 mile mark. I continued to try to jog when I could, but there was a lot of walking in the remainder of the 5K. So, it was a bit disheartening.

Today, on the other hand, was the total opposite. I started off my jog and it was feeling pretty good – well, it was also feeling pretty cold as the temperature has dropped quite a bit since Sunday. During my 2nd lap around the lake where I’ve been doing my runs, I decided to just take a peek at my fitbit to make sure it was tracking everything OK and then try to not look at it at all until I was basically done. I was just over a mile in at that point. I kept going, and, well, I completed the distance without having to walk at all. Add to that, it’s the first run since I’ve started again where I was feeling really good and sort of in the zone when I reached the end of the run.

There were a few things that were different today than on Sunday. As I’d mentioned, the temperature, it was much cooler today. I did it later in the day, and I’d definitely had more to eat prior to the run than I had on Sunday. As the amount of rest my legs had prior to each run wasn’t really meaningfully different, I don’t think that had anything to do with it, and so really I surmise that probably the issue on Sunday was a lack of food resulting in feeling like I had no energy. So, I’ll try to avoid that moving forward. Next, once I’m able to get several of these jogs done in a row with no walking (this could be a fluke and my next run I’ll have to walk again after all), I’ll start to actively try to increase my speed to bring my time down under 30 minutes – it was 33:51 today.

Anyway, the conference I was at in DC was related to Information Security, particularly as it applies to government. It was worthwhile and informative, and a nice change of pace from the daily drudgery of my job, but I was surprised how partisan they came off when they were talking about infosec as it relates to the upcoming elections. The phrase “Democracy is on the ballot” was uttered from the stage, which earned an internal groan and a hard eye roll from me. That phrase is nothing but a DNC talking point to try to scare their base into voting so that Biden will win. I can’t say if anyone SERIOUSLY believes that if Trump wins the election that he will refuse to ever leave office again, but I know that’s the message the DNC pushes, and it’s the message most of the corporate press pushes, and it’s the only possible meaning of that asinine talking point.

If someone does seriously believe that, they’ve not possibly considered the facts on the table. Donald Trump was elected in 2016. He ran again in 2020, and it was determined that he lost. Whether anyone thinks anything sketchy happened or not is immaterial on this point. Donald Trump has said and I believe continues to say that it was unfair and he shouldn’t have lost, but the important bit is this: Donald Trump left office and Joe Biden is the sitting President. In the only way that actually matters, Donald Trump conceded the election, and there is no reason to believe he would not leave office again at the end of a 2nd term. To believe otherwise is to engage in fantasy.

TLDR: Whichever candidate wins, American Democracy will continue.

Ok, 5K celebration and venting about a statement that annoyed me over.

personal

Tiny Smartphones

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One of the things that was interesting at the men’s retreat was that it sort of self-selected for a group of people that are interested in sort of… minimalist cell phone choice. Just in those who I interacted with where the subject happened to come up, there were are least 2 guys who were rocking flip phones, a few using the Lite Phone, and, I think at least one other similar phone. You don’t come across those very often just day to day (or at least I don’t).

I had tried a flip phone awhile back and I couldn’t do it – could be I chose poorly, but it was just way to hard to find information in old texts – plus not being able to use certain loyalty apps etc was a bit of a bummer (though I’d have dealt with that ok if not for the text thing).

I replaced that with a phone from Unihertz called the Jelly Star (if you google that, you can see what it is). I really love the phone – it’s awkward to talk on apart from using speakerphone or a headset because of the fact that it is so small, but honestly I send messages via typing way more than I actually use it as a phone. The typing is a bit awkward too, it’s a very small keyboard on the screen and so using the swipe feature is imperative. It’s not TOO annoying most of the time. And, it’s super easy to carry around, play music on, etc. Every now and again it does get super slow and need a reboot, but I’ve been using it long enough now to know I’m sticking with it till it stops working – and then I’ll probably get a newer version of it, or else something similar.

Another great thing about it – the reactions that you get from people when they see it. For instance, at Sheetz yesterday morning I held it out to the guy so he could scan the QR code in my loyalty app, and it just sort of broke his brain – he didn’t know what to do and jsut ask “what is that?” It’s funny to me to see that reaction. You also just get comments like “oh wow that’s a really small phone” – some sort of comment happens most of the time. But there’s nothing better than those moments when someone can’t even comprehend what they’re looking at.

It’s interesting that the way people think of phone has changed so much though, because back in the 00’s, pre-iPhone, small phones were where it was at, everybody wanted the smallest phone they could get. It didn’t confuse them why your phone would be so small, they’d just see if and love it. Now everything is basically an iPhone and relatively the same size and shape, etc. Anything that isn’t that is just kind of weird.

Anyway, I highly recommend it. If you get yourself one of these minimalist phones, you’ll break that terrible mindless phone usage habit you probably have, and as a bonus when strangers see your weird phone you can see their reactions to it. I find it entertaining, anyway.

health, personal

Solo Running (Actually, Jogging (Ackchyually, Jogging+Walking))

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I’m trying to get back into running again. Last year wasn’t particularly great for me in regard to fitness. I let some stuff sort of throw me off course and I started this year in not the greatest place physically. So, I’m trying to get that going and reign in the eating which I have a tendency to let get a little out of control. Lent will also help with that, as, it gives me an additional reason to reduce food intake.

Back in 2011, I decided I was going to run a marathon. I had never done particularly long distance running before – I had taken up running around campus when I was at college, but at most those might have been 5k runs. It was right after Easter when I decided to do it, late April. And so I started with Couch-to-5K and between then and December built up to running the Rehoboth Seashore Marathon. I don’t really look or feel like a person who completed a marathon now, and I mean hey, it was 13 years ago at this point, but I’m really typing out this story to remind myself that I did it, and I went from a person who had never run more than 5k at a time to someone that completed a Marathon in 4:18:58 in about 8 months.

I’m older now than I was then, and so maybe it will be harder, and maybe it will take more than 8 months, but I can get there again. I want to get there again. And then I want to stick with it. That’s the problem I seem to face with the whole diet and fitness thing, maintaining it long term. Some of that just has to do with getting discouraged by other matters in life – I definitely am a person who turns to food as a panacea. But I don’t want to get to in depth in regard to that here.

But for now, this is where I am at: Working my way toward being able to run 5K without stopping. So far I’ve done 4 runs this year. This was the first week where I did 2 in the same week (the last couple weeks the travel to retreats resulted in me not doing any other runs on those weeks), and tomorrow I will do a 3rd run for the week. Then that will be the goal for the next little while, 3 runs a week. Now, as you may surmise from the title of this post, I say the word run, but a real runner would probably use the word “jog” to describe what I do. I also for the last several years have had a rule that I will never do less than 5K when I go for a “run”. Now, if it’s been awhile since I’ve done any running (and this time was probably the longest I’ve gone without since I began to prep for that marathon) then I may not be able to actually run all of the 5K. And that’s fine, I can’t make myself be physically capable of doing something that I’m not at this precise moment. But, I run/jog what I can, and I walk the rest. I’ve thus far been improving with each subsequent run, and I look forward to the first time I’m able to do the whole thing without slowing down – it’s going to feel like a big accomplishment.

Once I get there, I’m going to think about setting a timetable on making a marathon happen again. I’ll sign up for a couple 5K’s, a 10K, a half-marathon… but I’m getting ahead of myself. This is what I want to do. One of the things I want to do this year. So, here’s hoping I can remain inspired… or dedicated enough to persevere if inspiration fades. Prayers that this may be the case are appreciated.

personal, spiritual

Orthodox Men’s Retreats

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Here we are again to reflect on a retreat for neither the first or the last time. Though, it is the first time I’m reflecting specifically on an Orthodox Christian Men’s retreat. I feel like this was a thing that I needed to experience but didn’t really even realize that I needed to experience it until after it happened.

First I must say I am very thankful to two different Michaels that I was able to attend at all – I met Michael Mason through the singles retreat the week before, and he let me know about a ticket that was available through Michael Baclig, who was heading up the retreat. I quickly made the decision that I would try to attend and was able to get off work and make necessary arrangements. My decision to go was also influenced by the fact that Fr. Stephen De Young was on the schedule, and so I am thankful that he was going as well, because I might not have been able to convince myself I wanted to make a 10 hour drive otherwise. I’ve been listening to Lord of Spirits from the beginning, and while I’d met Fr Andrew several times, I’d never seen Fr. Stephen prior, so it seemed like a good opportunity. I’m glad for that because while I wasn’t familiar with the other speakers, I was very grateful to be introduced to them.

I found the talks all to be very valuable, and it really connected in with some of my goals for the immediate future. Recently I’ve been really trying to think of ways to build community in my parish, and between the talks and conversations with other attendees, I got so many ideas for this. I really appreciated Fr Stephen’s analogy to how one goes to sleep: “lay down and pretend like you’re asleep until you’re actually asleep”. That solidified in my head what I plan to do for the small group I’ll be leading starting next week. I’ve got a few people that are lined up to attend, but I’ve told all of them: hey, I’m going to be there no matter what. If no one else shows up, I’ll sit there alone and read a book for an hour, but if even a single other person shows up we’re going to have some fellowship and conversation.

For my personal life, in the realm of what I’m willing to share publicly, thinking about the types of work that we do and the relative fulfillment from them further confirmed for me that I really need to focus on creative endeavors this year. My job is fine, but I don’t really find it fulfilling – the most that there is that I can point to and say “I did that” is something like “well, there are fewer vulnerabilities on these computers than there were when I scanned them last time” or “hey, it’s been another week with no ransomware attack!” It’s time that I got disciplined about my desire for storytelling and actually completed a writing project. That’s part of the reason I’ve committed to the reading goals I did for the year – If I’m immersed in reading, it will help in writing.

If I have any criticism of the event, it is only that it was perhaps too structured. There was always something that you should be doing. I don’t think it should be loosened up too much, but a little more breathing room throughout the day would have been nice. It was a great event though, I was so glad that I went.

personal, spiritual

Orthodox Singles Retreats

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It’s now the second day after the first ever Ancient Faith Orthodox Christian Singles retreat, and I thought perhaps I’d turn to my poor, neglected blog to do some reflection on what transpired there from my own perspective. So here it comes: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. (There’s no ugly… well, except perhaps for myself).

Overall it was a really good experience. I had the opportunity to meet and speak with a lot of people. Everyone was very friendly. I met some people that I really hope will become long term friends and not just people that exist on my Facebook timeline. Only time can tell that, really. Also I got some contact info from a few of the ladies that maybe/hopefully could lead to something down the road – no sparks flew right off the bat for me, but as I get to know them better I hope to at least develop a friendship and I’m open/hopeful for one of those friendships to develop into something more.

Going into this retreat I was very cognizant of trying to manage my expectations, and to keep them as low as possible. Of course, hope springs eternal, and keeping the idea that maybe this will be the time that everything I’ve wanted for years suddenly comes to fruition completely out of mind and subdued is something that is nigh impossible. That said, I successfully negotiated myself down to “if I leave this with a greater sense of Orthodox community, it will have been a success.” I do think that is achieved. Since coming home, I have been in touch with a few folks from the retreat, and it is my hope that it continues. In a certain sense, it is too early to call, as this may be a short-lived post-retreat reality and a month or two from now I’ll be completely out of contact with all of those people, but it is my hope and prayer that is not the case.

Aside from that, I was surprised at the spiritual renewal I experienced as part of the retreat. I feel like something clicked in me and I have an understanding I didn’t possess before. It’s something that would be difficult to put into words, because it is all based on things I had heard a million times before, and I don’t think the intellectual understanding has really changed – it feels more like a change in my spirit. I’ve struggled a very long time with periods of despondency, and it has caused other setbacks and strife in my life. Despondency breeds despondency. It’s part of the reason why as much as I looked forward to this retreat I dreaded an outcome that was negative and substantially less than what I had an expectation for. It’s why I tried so hard to mitigate my expectations beforehand. I didn’t want to leave the retreat, and come home, and feel the dread of despondency.

That fear was very real for me, as my previous experience at the Antiochian Village had ended that way. I enjoyed my time at Adult Camp in 2022 (for the most part), but the reality is that when I came home I felt miserable and was immersed in feelings of despair. I hadn’t found anything close to what I was looking for. Even the small handful of people I initially had a small amount of communication with quickly fell off the map. I had a real spiritual struggle, and while I felt like in some ways I worked my way through some inner turmoil, by and large it felt like a spiritual regression in the weeks and months following. None of this is the fault of anyone at Antiochian Village, it was all part of my personal struggles, and some interactions with some of the campers there – or at least my perception of those interactions.

So far, the aftermath in my personal life of these two events is markedly different, and I hope that it remains so. As this will be posted to Facebook, many of the retreat attendees will have access to read it, though, who knows whether or not they will. My general assumption is that no one reads any of these, ever. When I write here, it is for myself, though of course I don’t write anything I’m not comfortable with being public knowledge. If any of you do find your way here, please feel free to share your own experience, whether in the Facebook comments or the comments here on this WordPress blog.

I hope that others experienced the same sort of change that I did, and left with a sense of peace and hope rather than despair.

personal

Adjustments

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In the last month or so since I posted, I’ve continued on with my flip phone. I haven’t changed anything else really “smart-device”-wise, but I have been trying to intentionally do things in my free time other than watch TV or play a game on the computer, and in particular lessening the latter. I’ve not cut it out entirely, I’ve spent some time playing Baldur’s Gate 3, which has been a lot of fun, but I’ve tried to limit that to one or two sessions a week.

At first the main thing I inserted into the extra time was reading. Between spending a week at the beach (always a place I do a lot of reading) and the extra time I’ve spent on it otherwise, I finally completed Rhythm of War, meaning I’m all caught up on the Stormlight Archive. I’ve started a couple more books since then, one fiction book and one non-fiction, and hoping to keep a good pace going. When I finish this post, I’m going to go do a bit of reading to that end.

In the last few days, I started messing around with my guitar for the first time in many years. At first I just took it out of the case and fiddled around a bit, but also went ahead and ordered some things to get it in better shape. The strings on there were probably overdue to be changed out back when I had last played it, and, like I said, it’s been years since then, so I ordered some strings, some oil for the fretboard, and a couple other things. Everything had arrived by the time I got home from work yesterday, and so upon getting home I got it cleaned up and restringed and had a good long session getting to work on relearning things. There’s a ton I’ve forgotten and my calluses and finger strength aren’t what they need to be, but stuff is coming back to me as I play.

I’m not going to overcommit myself such that I burn myself out, but for now I’m saying every day get it out and mess around a little bit – 30 minutes or something like that. Should be easy. Same for reading. They’re just things I need to make sure I do. If I spend more time, great. Both yesterday and today I spent a couple hours, basically until my fingers were hurting. They sting a bit as I type this, but, I’m just reminding myself that’s a good thing… the calluses will come!

The other personal adjustment since I last blogged is the diet I started about 3 weeks ago (I’m in the latter half of the 3rd week now). That’s been going pretty well. It’s basically just calorie counting via the Lose It app. I’ve found that I have an easier time doing that than the slow carb thing I used to do. The last time I did that, I just found it too restrictive. I like to be able to have something with carbs in it if I really want to. Anyway, I’m roughly 10 pounds down since the start, and I’m generally not feeling like it’s too horrible. The hardest bit of the diet so far was a work lunch meeting yesterday where I had to say no to a free dessert – and watch other people eat said dessert – and you know, also order something reasonable for my meal. Honestly though, apart from feeling a little bit hungry throughout parts of the day and in the late evening, it’s not been bad.

My next adjustment will involve adding a bit more to my daily routine. I have two things I want to add, and I’m not yet decided whether I will start them both at the same time, or do one and then start the other a week or so after. Those things are stretching and some sort of exercise.

I’m going to make myself do the thing I don’t really want to and set my alarm for earlier so that I can do those things before work. I think starting out the day with some stretching and exercise will be good. So, the stretching will for sure start this weekend, and the exercise may or may not start with it. When I start the exercise, I think at first I might alternate days jogging and walking. Then before too long I need to get back over to Soldierfit a few times a week after work. A big plus to the exercising will be I’ll be able to add some more calories into my meal plan – because I’m already getting the defecit that I need- the exercise isn’t to help with weight loss, it’s for health generally.

I’d like to think I’ll make more time for blogging as well, so I don’t find myself posting when I suddently realize it’s been a month since I last posted and decide to post again for that reason a month from now.

In any case, I hope to have more progress to speak of in the coming weeks.

Oh yeah, and the flip phone continues to serve me well. There will be a development there soon as I decided to change to something else that will better suit my needs while still serving my goals of not spending very much time on my phone, but I’ll tell you a bit about that next time – which will hopefully be in the next week or so.

personal

Un-Smart-ification

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Just over 2 weeks in, I continue unabated.

I decoupled all my work related stuff from my iphone and moved it to my work iphone. I can’t get rid of it, because you know.. work. But it sits in my laptop bag and is only used for work related things during work hours.

In my personal life, my iphone sits in a corner until such time as I finish removing accounts from my Authy authenticator app over to my yubikey. I’ve moved a few of the ones I use more frequently already – I’m going to move the rest in the next couple of days, before I head off for the beach this weekend. Truthfully I’ve not touched the phone at all since about a week ago when I saw the battery had died and I hooked it up to charge. Once I get the authenticator stuff off it I might put it in my desk drawer for a bit to make sure I don’t discover I forgot something before I sell it on ebay or somesuch. Sure, the screen is finicky, but someone will probably be willing to pay something for it despite that.

I also plan to roll back the other smart devices in my life – ditch my Amazon Echo devices apart from my FireTVs. I might get rid of the cube eventually because it has the always-listening Alexa – the stick for the tv in my bedroom requires me to hit the button. At any rate, I don’t plan to stop using streaming services, so I’ll be using some sort of device for that. As I may have mentioned in my previous post on the subject, I don’t intend to get rid of ALL technology in my life, just to roll back.

I have several smart lights that tie into Alexa, but once the Echos are gone they will function as normal lights when I flip light switches. My Alexa-enabled coffee maker will work fine just as a coffee maker as well – I basically never use that functionality anyway – pro-tip: don’t buy one, it’s a waste of money. Then there is my smart lock, which I also rarely use because it’s on my front door I almost always enter my house through my garage. And that’s pretty much it on the “smart” front.

I had wondered if my iPad use might go up with getting rid of the iPhone. While I’ve not actually checked the screen time to compare before and after, it definitely doesn’t feel like I’ve been using it anymore than I was. If it’s gone up, it’s only been a marginal amount. I’m pretty pleased with that. I’ve found that having the stupid flip phone makes it easy to not distract myself by looking at a phone when I’m sitting with people or out and about. Texting isn’t that bad, but definitely I keep myself from writing any diatribes to people.

My next step after that will probably be a temporary thing, like eliminate computer usage apart from what I have to do for work for a month. When I’ve done similar things with like a particular app/website, such as Facebook, in the past,I’ve found when I come back I spend less time doing it. I could do with spending less time on that stuff. If I’m feeling really ambitious I might say no tv/movies either – basically eliminate screens entirely for that month. We’ll see – I’ll have to pick a month.

Beyond that I’m not sure of the best steps. Some of what I’d like to accomplish would probably involve moving. But finding what I’d like to find would probably be a bit of a challenge. I’d like to live in a community with a decent amount of walkability – or maybe bicyclability – but that isn’t like… in a city. I don’t know if it exists in the world today. But it just seems weird to me that so little of what I do is near to me – and I have to get in a car for awhile to do most of what I do.

Anyway, I’ll try to keep the updates coming – and I have a couple other ideas of things to write about that I just need to take the time to sit down and write. With any luck I’ll get myself to do it before too much longer.